The Doldrums
by Terrock
Summary: The Crew of the Bebop is stuck in Space, without gas. They can only do two things: go crazy and blow up empty space!!! (MORE from the JEDI STORY ARC!!! The BEGINNING of EPISODE I!!! BEHOLD, for I AM KING!!! ...or not...)
1. The Doldrums

Doldrums: A Cowboy Bebop FanFic by Paranoid Schizophrenic  
  
  
  
1: Doldrums  
  
Spike was sitting on the faded orange couch, watching T.V. Well, not really watching T.V, more like reclining on the couch, looking cool, with the T.V incidentally going on in the background. Oh yeah, and he was bored. Very bored. But then again, when you're space-boat-thing runs out of gas in the middle of nowhere, what the hell else are you going to do but chain smoke until the cows go home?  
  
So that's what he was doing. Chain smoking until a couple of cows went home.  
  
He'd already cleaned his Spartan room, mopped off the Swordfish II, and even cleaned the living room. With cleaner. Damn, he was bored. When the hell is Spike Spiegel, the man himself, going to CLEAN a living room? He even did a good job of it too, so far as to clean out the smoke smell from the furniture. So now, here he was, too tired to practice his martial arts, too bored to think up something creative, and too lazy to do anything but look cool, which, by the by, was his specialty.  
  
Oh well. And with that, Spike Spiegel, hero, hunter, and cowboy extraordinaire, leaned farter back, and began to count rotations of the ceiling fan.  
  
…1…2…3…4…5…6  
  
__________________  
  
Faye was sitting in the tub, in a fantastic display of fan-boy audience orientation. She was busily doing a whole lot of nothing, being too tired, too pretty, and too sexy to do anything else. Not like Spike. She saw him walking around earlier with a spray bottle and a roll of paper towels, looking like he was going to clean something. Pretty crazy.  
  
So here she was, letting the water run cold again. It didn't really matter anyway. As Jet had explained to her once: "The ship itself is a closed circuit ecosystem. The air we breathe, the fluids we drink and give out, and the water which you take baths with are all recycled, put through the grinder, and spat back out again, with the minty-fresh tang of metal piping to flavor it for you. Even the soapy crap Spike leaves behind when he cleans the Swordfish gets evaporated sooner or later, and gets put back into the system. Solid wastes…"  
  
He rambled on for a bit after that. That had been this morning… or something like that. It was hard to tell. It would be another month until they reached Mars, and had already been one month.  
  
Oh well. With that last thought stuck in her mind, Faye Valentine (though not really Valentine) got out of the tub, tied on a dusty towel, and went off to her room.  
  
__________________  
  
  
  
Jet was sitting in front of his bonsais looking rather pleased with himself. He really was enjoying the silence of the past few weeks. Quite a welcome change from the helter-skelter gunning and running of the last two years with Spike. It was a chance to reflect, get nostalgic, and do old guy stuff. Like trim the bonsais. They had been growing too much over the past few years, and needed cutting back. With a little more care, he would have them looking beautiful again.  
  
When Jet wasn't working on his plants, he was avidly working on poetry and the fine arts. Ever since his arm had been taken from him, he had taken an interest in playing the piano. His doctor had recommended it as an exercise for the fine-motor control of his arm, and he had been playing ever since. It was calming, even though he had to go into the far back room where nothing was to practice without the others hearing. He was quite skilled now, able to play any of hundreds of songs in his extensive memory.  
  
Sad that the others didn't have a musical talent. He might be able to pull together a decent trio or even a quartet if they got Ed something to play. Then they might be able to get a real cash flow going, with gigs going on in nightclubs and even playing in stops at railway stations.  
  
Oh well. And with that, Jet got back to his bonsais, wondering idly what in the world Spike had done with the cleaning stuff this morning. Then, he got up and went out to get lunch ready.  
  
__________________  
  
  
  
Ed, the kid whiz, was pretty happy. She had rigged together a Deep-space transmitter, and was having a lively conversation with her freed computer friend, Mpu, or Michael as he liked to be called now. Apparently, after she had freed Mpu from his satellite over Earth, Mpu had quickly risen as a computer programmer for some corporation based on Mars, and had also quickly learned hundreds of new computing languages, making himself compatible with both Macintosh and Windows operating systems. He was pulling down a fairly high income, and working "from home" for his company, who didn't really care who or where he was as long as the job was done.  
  
"Mpu, Mpu, what's new what's new?"  
  
"Nothing much Ed. Still hanging out on the Bebop?"  
  
"Yaya, always with the bounty hunters."  
  
"You know, you could always come live with me on Mars. I have a nice estate for visitors and business people."  
  
"No thank you, Mpu. I'm having too too much fun fun on the Bebebebop!"  
  
"Ha ha, still interesting over there eh? Alright, I won't push you. It's not like I have any real food around anyway. So, Edo, tell me what you've been up to so far."  
  
"Well…"  
  
Long story time….  
  
__________________  
  
  
  
…146…147…148…149…150…  
  
Funny… one hundred and fifty rotations per minute per hour per day for the past thirty-four days makes... 7344000 rotations for the entire time we've been on this ride with no gas…  
  
Spike had tried very hard to construct his thoughts enough to do simple math, and was quite pleased with himself now that he had. Math had never really been his strong suite back in school, with more of his talent leaning toward musical pursuits and being a gangster on Mars. Priorities, priorities.  
  
Now though, he enjoyed mostly…  
  
"Hey, Faye. I can see right through that damp towel."  
  
…more interesting pursuits which would lead to his…  
  
"SHUTUP, FLUFFY HAIRED FREAK!!!"  
  
…eventual happiness.  
  
"Dear god…"remarked Faye as she walked into the living room, prepared to beat the hell out of Spike. "It's…clean?  
  
"Oh yes," Said Spike, relishing each moment of Faye's indecisiveness with greedy eyed pleasure.  
  
"…You did this?" said Faye, still very much bemused.  
  
"Oh yes."  
  
"…How…why…when…huh?"  
  
"Oh yes."  
  
"I can't believe it. Did you do all of this for us?"  
  
"Oh yes."  
  
"Thank you! Now I don't have to worry about getting my clothes dirty anymore!"  
  
"Oh yes."  
  
With that, Faye left the room forgetting totally about her incredible amount of visibility with shocked numbness. Until Jet saw her.  
  
"Hey Faye, put some clothes on."  
  
"Shut up baldy."  
  
Jet shook his head slowly and walked upstairs into the living room on his way to the kitchen. On his way, he ran into Spike, reclining on the sofa.  
  
"Hey Spike."  
  
"Hey Jet."  
  
"Thanks for cleaning up a bit in here."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Try to make it a habit."  
  
"Hah, yeah right."  
  
"Ok, I'm going to start on lunch now, care to come along and learn how to cook?"  
  
"…Sure."  
  
Spike used a titanic effort sitting up, and it took him a moment to recover before following Jet into the kitchen, where he then began to learn the secrets of cooking with a blow torch.  
  
It has been commented that cooking with a blowtorch is not really a culinary art, however it is just damn fun. This is true, however when you add a psychotic dream-land-half-awake-chain-smoker to the mix, the end result is not so good. However, add on top of these "qualifications" that Spike had in fact been cleaning regularly the Bebop for 24 hours, and had been FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS while doing it.  
  
This sadly leads to the same result.  
  
"Don't char the kabobs!!! We're going to eat those, dammit!!!"  
  
"Gotcha, gotcha…."  
  
"I mean it!"  
  
Good fun.  
  
TBC? I dunno…. Should I? 


	2. Lost in the Cold Sweet Embrace of Snow

The Doldrums 2: Lost in the Cold Sweet Embrace of Snow  
  
  
  
Jet's stomach was churning like a blender at Jamba Juice (some companies just stick around no matter what you do, like Nike). Those kabobs had really been something. It was like eating char with a side portion of char and a nice sauce of gasoline. Kinda tangy. He was currently lying down on his bed after his crazed ordeal at the hands of Spike, who, like many a housewife, had glowered at him until he had eaten all of his food.  
  
Spike, a housewife.  
  
It was kind of funny. Lock anyone up in the same room with nothing to do but clean it for three months and anyone will become a clean freak. Spike was getting more and more anal as the days were going on. He could hear him now: "No no, the pots and pans go in this cabinet, the plates and mugs go in this one, and oh my god, you are ruining all of my work, get out of my kitchen!"  
  
Then again it was kind of disturbing to hear that come out of Spike.  
  
"I work and I slave away all day to make this place clean, and what do you do? You spill coffee on it in three seconds and rub it into the carpet! Shame on you!"  
  
It was time to be afraid. Very afraid.  
  
__________________  
  
"We need to talk."  
  
Faye had feared this conversation for some time now, the "We need to talk" coming from Spike Spiegel, renowned bounty hunter and all that hooplah. Mostly she had been dreading it over her liking but not liking him, which is kind of obvious, if you look for that sort of thing, but no she didn't really like him and oh shit he was standing there with a serious look on his face and ohmygod we've been on this ship together for two months now and ohshitmaybehe'sseenthewayI'vebeenlookingathimandohno…  
  
Spike closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was going to be hard. He knew that she was difficult, but after spending two months with her, more or less alone except for a kid a dog and an old guy (who was actually 36), he had thought that it would be best to just tell her the way he felt. "Faye… I…"  
  
Just at that moment, Edward's face popped in from above, like some crazed spider-monkey that… pops in from above.  
  
"Ya-ho!!! Spikey-poo, what do you do?"  
  
"Uh… I… uh… it's nothing, just adult stuff Ed."  
  
"What do you mean adult stuff?"  
  
"Oh… just… well…"  
  
Faye decided not to waste any time and did the most painless thing. She ran for higher ground. RUN, SPRINT FOR THE HILLS AND PRAY THEY DON'T COME FOR YOU!!! RUN FOR IT GIRL!!!  
  
"Um… I guess we'll talk later then Faye…"  
  
__________________  
  
Jet stumbled into the living area and crawled into the sofa. Painfully, he reached over and got the remote for the television. Perhaps the bright, happy screen would soothe the inner flames of his tortured body, which could not at the moment play piano. Perhaps Big Shot was on, and that was always funny to watch. Maybe even some ancient sitcom that had been running for years and years… like Friends. They were re-running the entire show again for the thirtieth time on the oldies channel.  
  
::CLICK:: The T.V is on.  
  
::CLICK:: Infomercial.  
  
::CLICK:: Infomercial.  
  
::CLICK:: Static.  
  
::CLICK:: Static.  
  
::CLICK:: Infomercial, on the fat burning process, new product only 199.99 at a 400.00 value with…  
  
::CLICK:: Static.  
  
::CLICK:: Infomercial on brand new abdominal toning product.  
  
::CLICK:: Tae Bo.  
  
This is getting boring. If I wanted to get in shape I would work out. If I wanted to lose fat, I would work out. What is wrong with these people? Can't they see that if everybody just got off their lazy asses maybe, just maybe they would lose some weight? Shit. Bunch of morons.  
  
::CLICK:: Static.  
  
Hmm… funny… I could have sworn I just saw something in the static. Like… a face or something… there's another one. Maybe if I stare hard enough I'll be able so see something. Ooh, look, a car… a cloud… a tree… A smiling woman walking in a grassy field with her arms raised defiantly to the sunny sky, a light breeze blowing her hair around wildly as she saunters deliberately into my arms… A city, a beautiful city lost in the sweet embrace of winter, silent except for the roaring of a passing river and the occasional car that rolls through on the otherwise deserted streets… It's snowing… It's snowing… It's snowing…  
  
__________________  
  
Faye was sitting in a corner of her room, chain smoking all of the cigarettes she could find and praying that Spike wouldn't come and knock on the door. Although that would be kind of a comfort, knowing that he cared enough to come and check on her after she had run away while he was trying to talk to her, but she didn't care she ran because he had no right to put her in that position of wanting to have him but wanting to not want to have him but wanting to have him none the less. It was hurting her a little bit, not knowing that she wanted what she knew she wanted but also knew that if she had she wouldn't want to have but still have and want at the same time.  
  
Grrr… he was so frustrating some times.  
  
She wanted to come right out and say that she liked him, but then again she didn't want to come right out and tell him because he was about to do it anyway and why do something when others can do it for you right? But still if she had just waited around long enough to hear him out maybe she would have gotten some clue as to what to do with him now that she knew that he wanted her back.  
  
Then again if she did want him and he wanted her too then there wouldn't be anything wrong with that, and maybe, just maybe it would work out and they would be happy together and get rich with some bounty and live in a mansion on Mars and all of that fairytale whatnot. Then again, with a cynicism filter, it would be more like, getting together, finding Julia, and breaking up.  
  
::knock knock::  
  
OH SHIT, THAT'S HIM!!! WHAT AMI GONNA DO?!?!?!?  
  
::knock knock::  
  
DEAR GOD!!! Ok… don't panic… alright, I'll just tell him, and I'll do it real fast to so he can't say anything to mess it all up… ok… here we go…  
  
Faye got up out of bed slowly and walked with mincing steps up to the door. She took a deep breath, squeezed shut her eyes, and tore open the door. "Iloveyou!"  
  
Edward was a little shocked at that. But she shrugged it off. "Thank you Faye faye! I love you too!"  
  
Faye did the only thing she could do. She screamed.  
  
__________________  
  
Spike was once again, cleaning. It was really healthy once you got into it. It afforded you more chances to think than you would have if say you were getting beat on the head with a stick. Which did tend to happen, from time to time. It was kind of like a nice escape from reality, although said reality wasn't much to escape from.  
  
Spike walked into the living room to check up on why the T.V was still on. He was about to turn it off too, when the huge coffee stain on the sofa decided to start breathing again and reveal itself to be Jet. Jet was sitting and just watching the T.V. Which happened to be showing static. It was actually kind of hypnotic, watching the white blips show up and disappear into the infinite sandstorm of time, whirling away into nothing wildly, drinking deeply from the sea of chaos.  
  
Ooh look, something to clean. ::spray:: ::wipewipe::  
  
It was then, cleaning the T.V that he heard Faye's scream. "What's up with her Jet?"  
  
"…"  
  
"Uh… Jet?"  
  
"I… am… fine… it's snowing…"  
  
"Uh… do you know what's up with Faye?"  
  
"Faye? She is… repressing emotions… which have no need of… repression. All that Faye needs… is to expand her horizons. Perhaps… it would be a good idea to… introduce Faye to music… it's snowing…"  
  
Jet spoke in a flat monotone, totally devoid of emotion, and was still lying curled up on his side on the sofa.  
  
"Jet…what do you mean?"  
  
"Faye has… feelings which she has long… ignored… in favor of… money, and her own twisted pursuit of happiness through money. What she needs… is a change of perspective and a little bit of time on her own… which she is not getting here… It's snowing…"  
  
"Um… Jet, what do you mean it's snowing?"  
  
"Look at it Spike. Do you see it swirling through the world? The snow is coming down everywhere and it embracing everyone in it's cold, sweet embrace, lulling us all off into an eternal sleep so that we may awaken into a world that the snow has cleansed. The snow… it fills every corner of the world, it fills the places where there is nothing, and it fills our souls with nothingness to combat the useless things we fill our souls with. Knowing this will lead us to nirvana, but ignorance of the snow will lead to our downfall into the collective stagnation we face as a species, and so I will say again, it's snowing…"  
  
Spike finally realized that Jet had been staring vacantly into the television for the entire duration of their talk. He had been watching the static the entire time. It was almost as if he was watching snow fall through a small window… Snow falling from nothingness into nothingness, in a swirling void of chaos…  
  
Spike sat down on the chair to get a better view of the snow… and to think about roses… roses falling to the ground amid a light fall of snow apon the world, which was already blanketed white in the expanse of pure white…  
  
Ooh, something to clean. ::spray:: ::wipewipe::  
  
Spike polished off Jet's bald head and walked off to find Faye and tell her what was on his mind.  
  
__________________  
  
Faye was sitting in the back of one of the store rooms of the Bebop, chain smoking pack after pack of cigarettes.  
  
It was really terrible. There was a sizable pile of butts right next to her, and her ash tray/coffee mug had already over flowed with ashes from her smoking. She was really tweaking out on caffeine and nicotine. Not the best way to spend your days.  
  
If only Spike would just come right out and tell her what he was going to say earlier dammit!!! GRRR!!!!! She could just throttle him thinking about it. It bugged her more than anything ever had. It was like a constant itch, right in the corner of your eye that just won't go away no matter how much you rub it, and if you do it'll just bother you more.  
  
Faye got up from her half-crouch, half-dejected slump against one of the crates in the room. There was only one thing to do. Torturing Ein got her nothing anymore, and Ed was still lying twitching on the floor of her room. She had to talk to Spike.  
  
__________________  
  
Spike was walking down the corridor, randomly spraying cleaner at anything that looked like it wasn't shining, which everything was. The cloying scent of chemicals rose in a bouquet of harsh scents to his nose, setting off some pretty funky chemical reactions in his brain. Ah, the reasons why some people clean everything all the time.  
  
As he turned the corner, he found Faye, doing something like practicing a speech. She seemed fairly into it, so he chose not to disturb her quite yet… but still… there were some ashes on the hem of her jacket, and it would be a nice thing to get those cleaned off for her.  
  
"Hey Faye, what's up?"  
  
Faye stiffened, and turned around slowly.  
  
"What's up? I'll tell you… but you have to tell me something don't you?"  
  
Spike straightened. Did she suspect? No, she couldn't. She was still after allnot pummeling him into the ground… Maybe he should ust play along…  
  
"Um… yeah I do have something important to tell you, but what is it you wanted to say?"  
  
"No, no I think you should go first."  
  
"It's not all that important…well… yeah it could be important, I mean, if you agree and all… anyway… yeah you go first."  
  
This is it! He's really going to say it! Faye was almost giddy with excitement.  
  
What the hell? Spike was… not so giddy. Why is Faye all… twitchy?  
  
"…Are you alright? You seem kind of… on edge."  
  
"Nono, I'm fine. It's just that, well, I'm kind of surprised that you would do this."  
  
"Wait, so you know? Whoa, that's a load off. I thought you would never agree."  
  
"Yes, Spike. Yes, I agree, and I feel the same way about you."  
  
"Wait, so we should quit together?"  
  
"Yes, we should…what?"  
  
"Well, yeah, I mean if you think it's a good idea, sure."  
  
"Wait, we should what together?"  
  
"Quit smoking. I mean, well, recently I have been getting a little overzealous about the whole cleaning thing, so I figured that if we stopped smoking the ship would stay clean. I'm so happy, now I won't have to vacuum your room so often. You know, if you stop smoking, we'll actually have more money around here for food and stuff? Yeah, I worked out all the math not too long ago…"  
  
"Wait… so you… all this is to quit smoking?"  
  
"Well… yeah. Wait, what did you think, that I was in love with you or something?"  
  
Ouch.  
  
__________________  
  
  
  
Jet was still staring blankly at the television. Suddenly, the snow he was picturing in his mind had bloodstains all over it, and there were the screams of a man in pain rocketing through the streets.  
  
Huh… maybe I should turn this thing off…  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
TBC… I hope…  
  
__________________  
  
Authors Notes:  
  
A little concerned at first that this would… suck, I decided to hold off on writing this chapter, but now that I have written it… I still hope it doesn't suck. Tell me if otherwise.  
  
A special thanks to: Social Misfit, ChibiSkye, Achilles, Lady Razorsharp, Washu the Goddess, Melfina-Pan, and Farstrider for giving the go ahead for this chapter. This wouldn't exist without your reviews, thanks guys.  
  
"BEWARE, I am a PARANOID SCytzophrenic… Psyctsophrenic… how the hell do you spell that anyway?" ~ Moi. 


	3. Musical Interlude

The Doldrums 3: Musical Interlude  
  
  
  
Ed was getting a little bored. Being a little girl is fine and all, and the internet was great, you know, for amusement, but still, being cooped up in this little hole of a spaceship was getting to her. Being unable to run and play and scream and shout and roll around in a crazy heap of boneless… sack-i-ness, really was not doing her brain meats much goodness.  
  
Nope. Not at all.  
  
Yeah, so Ed was bored. MPU was out of broadcast depth, the T.V was showing static (which Jet kept on watching), Spike was still cleaning everything, almost following immediately behind Faye to clean up her ashes, while Faye was chain-smoking. Chain-smoking like the end of the world was tomorrow. It was getting kind of irritating for Ed, as whenever she was near Faye, the noxious cloud of smoke would continuously battle with the equally noxious fumes of cleaner, forming a battle that neither could win. It was like smelling the aftermath of some bombing where they had bombed the place with Windex or Pinesol, and had used lighter fluid for an explosive charge.  
  
Wait… bombs… those are cool…  
  
Yeah. Hey, bombs, those are fun. Yeah yeah, the way the go BOOOM and then the people go AHHHHHH!!!! And then the way that the little cars with the people in blue come streaming out of nowhere… yeah… that's cool.  
  
Maybe Ed should make one of those. That would be very fun. Then she could put it somewhere and make it blow up and go BOOOM and then make the people go AAAHHHHHH!!! That would be very cool…  
  
____________  
  
It had finally happened.  
  
After days, hours, weeks, a month even of straight, non-stop war, it had happened.  
  
Spike ran out of cleaner on the fifth day of the second week of the second month of the trip through space. For long he had dreaded the day it would come, rationing it all out, using just barely enough to clean the entire ship once or twice over every day. All of his efforts were for naught.  
  
Now he was caught once again the valley of boredom. A valley with no walls, no moats, no way up, no way down, and no way out. It was the end of it all. He could not stop it.  
  
Look, DUST!!! THE EVIL HAS RETURNED!!!  
  
::spray spray::…. No spray?  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Spike screamed with all the pain and anguish he ever could hold in his gullet. "WHY GOD?!?!? WHYYYYY!!!! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" He took a deep breath then, choking back the sobs that were tugging at the back of is throat.  
  
"Somebody… help me… Please… anybody? ANYBODY???"  
  
Spike fell to his knees in the middle of the living room, where he had been hunting idly for anything, ANYTHING to clean with. He clutched his hair in anguish, and let out the yell of a caged and tortured animal.  
  
"GYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!"  
  
After sobbing for a few moments, Spike regained his cool, collected aura.  
  
He was somebody important. He didn't have to clean. He would be strong. STRONG. He would regain that which was lost to him through the cleaning. He would kick the habit. It was too destructive for anything useful.  
  
But how? WITH WHAT?!?!?!  
  
Before he could fall into the depths of despair again, Jet walked like a zombie into the room. Jet had been stopping only to take bathroom breaks and get food for his long, long sojourn through the hypnosis of static.  
  
"Jet, when I last went o you for advice, you told me some super-good stuff… ::sniff:: and now… I need to ask you something, ::sniff::"  
  
Jet did not stir greatly from his stupor. "Spike. You have run out of cleaner."  
  
"How did you know?"  
  
"I know everything," he replied, in a flat monotone. "Just as you have run out of cleaner, too you have run out of things to do."  
  
"Yes, I have," hope now dared enter Spike's voice. "What do you think I shout do, wiseman?"  
  
"I have seen many things in the falling snow. I have seen love, I have seen hate, I have seen anger. But of all of these, I see something wasted in you. You have a gift, Spike. A gift that knows no bounds or restriction."  
  
"…Tell me about this gift, wiseman."  
  
Jet sat on the edge of the sofa, making no move to turn on the television to begin his oracular trance.  
  
"You are one of the chosen, Spike. Only a few have this chance, don't give up on it now."  
  
"Tell me more."  
  
"You Spike, have the talent of music within you."  
  
"…what now?"  
  
"You are an artist spike. Like those who you have befriended you too were born into a place that you cannot see nor smell nor touch. But you Spike, you are now given the chance. Join me, and we can bring forth your inner calling."  
  
"Wait wait, you think I can play music? What the hell have you been smoking? Shit, I thought I was messed up, and now this?"  
  
"SHUTUP!!! I will teach you Spike. And in teaching you, I hope to save myself as well."  
  
"But music is for wussies. Damn man, me playing a flute? A FLUTE? That's hilarious."  
  
"That's why we're going to have you play the saxophone."  
  
"The what?"  
  
"The saxophone."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because it will loosen the ties on your soul, so that you can be free."  
  
"Jet?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I'm going to smash this T.V."  
  
"Oh."  
  
____________  
  
:: In the store-room upstairs ::  
  
"Alright Spike, lets hear an 'a' out of that thing."  
  
"When did you get that piano up here? And for how long have you had this saxophone? Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"It wasn't important. An 'a' please."  
  
"It wasn't important? That thing looks expensive, and this is a nice saxophone. We could have pawned them for money a LONG time ago. And you know what then? Then I would have had more cleaner. And if I had more cleaner, you know what? I wouldn't be here, that's what!!!"  
  
"Now Spike, listen. It was inevitable that you would run out of cleaner. All things like that are inevitable. Even now, wondering whether or not you would have had cleaner, you are not realizing that these instruments are more precious to me than anything else. Music is just powerful."  
  
"Well… why didn't you teach me sooner? Then we could have played in a spaceport or subway or rail station and got some money going…"  
  
"EXACTLY!!! I know a guy who got two thousand Woolongs just for playing a piece some rich guy asked for."  
  
"What? Just one song? Nice."  
  
  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Wait… That means that we'd only get a top pay of maybe three hundred a night."  
  
"Well… Yeah… so?"  
  
"We make more than that… right?"  
  
"Nope. You're just deluding yourself. We get paid some hundred thousand Woolongs every now and then, but the thing is that it all comes at the same time, and very few times out of the month. If you figure it all out, we're getting maybe 9000 after the taxes, expenditures and Faye. That's about what we get from street performances, and you don't pay taxes on that stuff. Add that to the 9000 we already have, and we have 18000."  
  
"Genius."  
  
"And now the 'a,' if you please."  
  
"Right."  
  
::toot::  
  
"… That was no A…"  
  
____________  
  
  
  
"BOOOOM!!! YEEEHEEEHEEHEEEE!!!!"  
  
Ed. Bombs. Prepare your bladder for IMMINENT release!!!  
  
Ed was less bored now. Now she had a weapon. A weapon with which to right all the wrongs of her past. A weapon which no one or thing could stop. The ticking bomb, time ticking away like raisins falling from the sky onto the dry, hardened earth. Like pork buns heating too long in a microwave, they would cook and then go BOOOM!!!  
  
Now all Ed needed was something to blow up.  
  
Not the Bebop. Nono, that would be bad. Ed was on the Bebop. Beeeeboooop. Funny word. If Ed blew up the Beeeeboooop, then Ed would blow up too. Then Ed would blow up something outside the Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebop. But what? There was nothing outside the BEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEbop. No… wait. There was NOTHING outside the BeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEeEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEbop. Ed could blow up NOTHING. YAY.  
  
Ed jumped straight up into the air holding her fusion bomb, based around an enriched deuterium core. That baby could blow up a good deal of crap. Oh yeah. It wasn't hard to get the materials. The deuterium came from the Bebop feul tank, where there was just enough of it on the bottom of the tank to make a good-sized explosive of the nuclear class, but not enough to power the bebop for more than 30 minutes. She only took enough to make the bomb, and a dozen others. It was fun. WEEE!!!  
  
Ed ran in her frolicking, happy happy gait all the way up to the bridge, where she discovered that ::GASP:: there was no way to launch the BOMB!!!  
  
Oh no. That wouldn't do.  
  
"Fine… Then Ed has to make some Bomb-launcher-thingies-lalelolila!!!"  
  
Ed ran all the way back to her room, frolicking thinking about how much fun it would be to make Bomb-launcher-thingies-lalelolila. Woohoo.  
  
____________  
  
"Haha Spike, you're progressing!"  
  
"Stop doing that Jet."  
  
"Doing what?"  
  
"Speaking with emotion. It's making me lose my concentration."  
  
"Haha, you shouldn't concentrate so much, ust feel where you need to be. That's the key to improvisation. Start with some notes, or a simple melody and play things that sound good with it. I knew you had talent! You picked up on those scales and the fingering right away!"  
  
"Yeehaw, Jet. Yeehaw."  
  
"Oh come on Spike, what's wrong?"  
  
"It's just that, It feel's weird. I mean, why don't we have a guitar or something for me to work with, that seems like it would be cooler, or something."  
  
"Well, the thing is, Spike, that if you were to play the guitar, we could have no accompaniment with my piano playing. I mean, all I could do would be to maybe sing along or play background synthesizer. With saxophone, you get some balance in here, and we can trade off on melodies. Also, I'm fairly good at the piano, so I will be able to harmonize better with you."  
  
"Yeah… Wait a minute… Chicks dig guys who play the saxophone, right?"  
  
"Only the ones who play well, and look good while doing it."  
  
"…Sweet. Ok, let's try that riff again."  
  
"Alright."  
  
____________  
  
  
  
Faye twitched in her sleep.  
  
:: Come closer Spike… mmm… do those again… yes…::  
  
____________  
  
Spike finished his riff. It really wasn't all that hard, once you got the hang of the whole continuous breath while twitching your fingers around bit. Jet seemed to like it anyway. It turned out that once you learned a bunch of scales, which was easy enough (kind of like learning how to fly a star ship, only not), all you needed to do was to learn movements and fingering, which fell right down Spike's martial arts alley. Movements were like blocking, and fingering was like… fingering. Not fondling, mind you, but fingering idly at some woman's… you know. Ahem.  
  
Taking in another deep breath, spike began another simple scale turned into improvisational work.  
  
____________  
  
Faye's eyes opened. She was… hungry…  
  
____________  
  
Jet sat watching Spike in awe. They had only begun work three hours ago, and already he had mastered several scales and whatnot. Not only that, but he had a knack for screwing around with melodies. Very Jazzy. However… something troubled him in the back of his mind. It was as if… something or someone… was going to break in and ruin the whole experience.  
  
Oh well.  
  
____________  
  
Ed jumped bolt upright, again. "NYAAA!!! ED HAS IT!!!"  
  
Ein woofed in a very doglike manner. He really meant to convey the statement; ::Well duh you stupid human! How long have you been working on this simple problem!! It's been days!!! And now look, you've pissed off everyone in the audience by giving this chapter too little substance other than a silly musical story based around a saxophone!!! What kind of idiot are you!!!::  
  
That didn't really come out with a woof though.  
  
"If Ed has Spikey-poo come out and kick the bombomb out the air lock, then we have a launchie-thingie!!! WAI!!!"  
  
Ein woofed again. ::Well By golly gee, I think she might have come up with a good way to launch a hydrogen bomb from this ship::  
  
____________---------------------____________________-------------------  
  
Author's notes: Yes… Sorry that took forever to do. It really oughtn't have taken so freaking long to get that out. Next time, I promise, I'll have my little sister poke me with a stick until I'm done crapping this out. Please feel free to yell at me for not writing so fast.  
  
Special thanks: Again, to Washu the Goddess, (or my goddess ::cute grin:: ) of course I'm thanking you. Why wouldn't I?  
  
To Lady Razorsharp, Thanks, I helluv love that episode! "Don't leave food in the fridge."  
  
To all you other cool people who reviewed: Generally I'd like to say thanks for you comments, and please feel free to review again. Dialogue is always nice. 


	4. Episode 4: The Fon-Ton Menace

THE DOLDRUMS  
  
Episode IV: The Fon-Ton Menace  
  
  
  
It is a time of great unrest aboard the BEBOP. The assignment of crew quarters is in dispute, and threats are numerous of civil war within the LIVING ROOM.  
  
As the ship hurdles through it's umpteenth day in DEEP SPACE, Ed perfects her secret weapon, which will soon be unleashed upon the unsuspecting peoples of the Pilot's cabin. Ship's Captain, Jet Black assembles an army of bonsai trees to ward of the threat of galactic war with the evil forces of Faye Valentine, who searches desperately to be united with Jet's padawan learner, Spike Spiegel.  
  
Unbeknownst to Spike, but beknownst to ME the GREAT and POWERFUL author, a meteorite hurtles through space to meet the Bebop in a dead-on collision…  
  
::light flute solo, then musical thrum, as we zoom in on the Bebop, hurtling through space; Ba-DAAA-da, BA-DAAAAAA-da, Ba-DEEEEEEEE-Doodlee-dee- doo, DUM, DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM, DUM DUM, DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM!!! DUM DUM, DUM-DUM- DUM- GOOOOOONG!!!!::  
  
________________  
  
:: At the end of the gong, camera change to the bridge of the Bebop, where Spike and Jet sit contemplating a game of chess in silence::  
  
"Spike."  
  
"Yeah Jet."  
  
"Spike, it's your move."  
  
"Yeah, yeah I know Jet."  
  
Jet pondered this statement a moment. "So why haven't you moved."  
  
"I don't know Jet. I sense something. A strange… agitation… in my mind. As if something were trying to tell me we were in danger, and yet, I know we are not."  
  
Jet smiled knowingly and nodded. "Such a feeling cannot mean just nothing. There must indeed be something putting you in danger, my young friend. Indeed, I too sense that there is something disturbing my mind toward danger. Yet I know not what."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Having to continue conversation, Spike moved a piece on the board. Jet responded just as enthusiastically with the moving of another piece. Spike rebutted by moving another piece, while Jet contemplated his next argument by sitting back, pausing a moment, and going on to move his queen into checkmate, thus ending the argument.  
  
"Checkmate."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Another game?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
They reset the pieces on the board, this time in reverse so that Spike played white.  
  
"How long do we have until we get to mars Jet?" Spike said, as he idly moved a knight over his pawns.  
  
"Oh, I'd say a good solid month or two yet Spike."  
  
Spike only responded by pressing both of the palms of his hands into his eyes as Jet made his move.  
  
"It's not so bad Spike. We could be being shot at, we could be poor and out of food, we could be being hunted by the Yakuza, hell, we could be fugitives from the law."  
  
Spike sat a moment and pondered.  
  
"True, true. But then again, we could be being shot at, we could be poor and out of food, we could be being hunted by the Yakuza, and hell, we could be fugitives from the law."  
  
Jet had no return comment. He could only watch as Spike moved a pawn out of the way of his queen.  
  
"You do know that I am right, yes?" Spike said, deadpanning.  
  
"Yes… yes I do know that you are right. And it hurts some to know that you are, and that being shot at would indeed be better than sitting around on my ass all day."  
  
"Not that you do anything else but sit on your ass all day."  
  
"Yeah, not that I… HEY!!!"  
  
"Haha, checkmate Jet."  
  
"…Screw you."  
  
________________  
  
::cross fade with a brief rise in music to accompany it, a light violin solo. Go to ed sitting with Ein on her head, while she works on her hydrogen bomb::  
  
Woof ::Hurry, my minion, soon, all too soon, will your work be complete… MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!::  
  
"Yes my master." Ed said back to Ein in a subdued voice. She was working for her master now, and he was not at all forgiving.  
  
::BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! Yes, my pet, soon we shall own this ship, and carry our vengeance to all of those who oppose the Fon-Ton!!!:: Ein barked.  
  
"But master, what is the Fon-Ton?" Ed said in a wispy, not-all-together voice.  
  
::GYAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!! The Fon-Ton? Only the most precious commodity in the galaxy my minion! Soon, SOON we shall own it! Now connect those electrodes! CONNECT THEM!!!::  
  
"Yes master… Master?"  
  
::HEAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAAA!!! What now my peon?::  
  
"How long have you been able to talk?"  
  
::MEAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Only since the end of the last episode!!!::  
  
"How did you do that?"  
  
::GRAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! … I… don't… know…::  
  
"Oh. Ok. Does this wire go here or over here?"  
  
::Ummm… KREAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Over there.::  
  
And thus, they worked.  
  
________________  
  
::Musical thrum to accompany tour of halls of Bebop, leading to Faye's room::  
  
Faye sat alone in her room. She was tired, so tired. Tired of being cold, tired of eating the same goddamn goop every single day. But most of all, tired of doing everything they told her to do. Tired of following orders. This wasn't freedom. This was slavery. Slavery to the evil men in the cockpit. She would have her revenge. Oh yes, she would have it, and it would be sweet, SWEET like the morning's dew coming off of a green leaf in the middle of spring in Japan, SWEET like the taste of a first kiss, SWEET like… like… sweet things… YES, it would be SWEET!!!  
  
She only needed to find out how to get revenge on the EVIL-DOERS!! YES, She would EAT THEIR SOULS!!! GYAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!  
  
Yes… Now she would go after them… yes… now she would… yumm… souls…  
  
________________  
  
(RANDOM BREAK TIME)  
  
::Select: Songfic::  
  
::Spike and Jet are standing alone in a darkened room in the bebop, Jet holds a guitar and Spike holds a microphone, Song; Tenacious D – Tribute::  
  
Jet strikes up the guitar  
  
Spike: This is the greatest and best song in the world… Tribute.  
  
Long time ago me and my friend Jet here…  
  
we was hitch-hiking down a long and lonesome road.  
  
All of a sudden,  
  
there shined a shiny demon,  
  
in the middle of the road.  
  
And he said;  
  
::Faye busts into the room with angry fire burning all around her::  
  
Faye: Play the best song in the world…  
  
Or I'll EAT YOUR SOULS!!!  
  
Spike: Well me and Jet,  
  
we looked at each other,  
  
and we each said… OK!!!  
  
Spike: And we played the first thing that came to our heads,  
  
just so happened to be,  
  
The Best song in the world,  
  
it was The Best song in the world.  
  
Spike: Look into my eyes and it's easy to see,  
  
one and one make two,  
  
two and one make three,  
  
it was destiny…  
  
Once every hundred thousand years or so,  
  
when the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow  
  
and the dust doth blow-woah…  
  
Spike: Needless to say,  
  
the beast was stunned.  
  
A WHIPCRACK with its whippy tail,  
  
and the beast was done.  
  
She asked us;  
  
::Faye it still burning, but in agony now::  
  
Faye: Be you angels?  
  
Spike: And we said;  
  
Spike and Jet: NAY, WE ARE BUT MEN!!! Rock!  
  
Spike and Jet: AaaaAHAAAaaaaa-AAAAaaaAAAaAaaa-WOAHOHOHOAHOOAHoooo….  
  
Spike: This is not The Greatest song in the World…  
  
This is just a tribute…  
  
Couldn't remember  
  
The Greatest song in the World…  
  
No, This is a tribute…  
  
To the Greatest song in the world, Alright…  
  
It was the greatest song in the world alright…  
  
Spike and Jet, a capela: Do ah daboobedobada, ah, dabedobeda, do, ah, dobedobedo  
  
Spike: And the peculiar thing is this, my friends,  
  
the song we sang on that fateful night,  
  
it didn't actually sound anything like this song!!!  
  
Spike: This is just a tribute,  
  
You gotta believe me,  
  
and I wish you were there,  
  
Just a matter of opinion,  
  
Graowr, Good God,  
  
Gotta love it,  
  
I'm so surprised to find can't stop it!!!  
  
ALRIGHT!!!  
  
::Hardcore guitar wailing until the end of the song, brief pause, and then back to acoustic::  
  
________________  
  
::End Songfic::  
  
________________  
  
"Uhh… Faye… Why are you on fire?" Jet asked, putting down his guitar.  
  
"Umm… no reason…" She replied, now miraculously not aflame and unharmed. "Umm… I wan'ted to exact revenge for all these months of agonizing slavery under the whip of you savage men but-"  
  
"Wait… whip?" Spike waid, quirking an eyebrow (INSERT LEMOIN FIC THOUGHTS).  
  
"Uhh… yeah… the whip of brutality that you hold over me…"  
  
"Yes yes, Tell us more about this… whip of brutality…"  
  
"SHUTUP!!!"  
  
"You know Faye, if there's something you need to tell us, feel free to." Spike said with an odd looking leer on his face.  
  
"…Yes spike, I want to rip off all of your clothes with my teeth, cover you in chocolate icing, lick you clean with the tip of my tongue, then make sweet dirty love to you until I scream in passion again and again, and ultimately die of dehydration from loss of bodily fluids and of pleasure."  
  
Faye walked out of the room doing a seductive little dance-walk, leaving two now fairly aroused men to their own devices. Spike broke the silence first, having a sharper mind than his elder companion.  
  
"…Jet?"  
  
"Yeah Spike?"  
  
"You've been watching the T.V right?"  
  
"Yeah Spike."  
  
"Do we still get free porn?"  
  
"No, no we don't."  
  
Spike tossed it around in his head for a bit, still envisioning Faye with chocolate beckoning him into her room with a devilish grin. And then the pleasure. Oh yes. But the lack of the porn on the television was too, disturbing. GREATLY disturbing. Noting that there was no other alternative, and noting that he was truly, VERY ready to go right about now, he took the only option available.  
  
"Jet?"  
  
"Yeah Spike."  
  
"Do we have any chocolate?"  
  
"Yep. You can't be seriously considering… Uh… Spike? Where'd you go?"  
  
But he was long gone after hearing the first word out of Jet's mouth.  
  
________________  
  
::wipe into the room with Ed and Ein::  
  
ARF ::SPEED THY MOVEMENTS, MINION!!!::  
  
"Yes master."  
  
::THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!::  
  
"I know my master… but I require sleeeeeeeep…. Sleep… :snorg:… :snore:"  
  
::AWAKEN MY MINION!!! WORK MUST BE DONE!!!::  
  
"ZZZzzzZZZzzz….zzzZZZzzzZZZzzz… ZZZzzzZZZ…"  
  
::BAH, I SHALL WORK MYSELF THEN!!!::  
  
"ZZZzzzZZZ…"  
  
::FOOLISH HUMAN TOOLS!!!... I don't have opposable thumbs..::  
  
"zzzZZZzzz…"  
  
Whinewhine ::Please, Ed? A little help with our little science project? Pleeeeeeeeeze?::  
  
"ZZZzzzZZZ…"  
  
::DAMN YOU FOOLISH SLAVE!!!! I SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL!!! GYAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!!!!::  
  
"ZZZzzzZZZ…"  
  
::awww… I wanna blow something up….::  
  
________________  
  
::Crossfade into Faye's room::  
  
Faye was felling fairly pleased with herself. She now OWNED THE MEN. Owned them with an iron fist of iron! And now that she had the power of sex on her side, she was UNSTOPPABLE.  
  
In the middle of her thoughts, a tapping, as if someone gently rapping, rapping on her chamber door came.  
  
"Whats up?" She said fairly unconcernedly.  
  
Spike busted into the room with a gallon-sized container of chocolate cake icing, a ladle and a loincloth.  
  
"Oh… nothing. Just wondering what we could do with this icing." He smiled with that same devilish grin as he had earlier.  
  
Faye got over her initial shock quickly. A few thoughts raced through her head very, very quickly, it went something like this; Ohmygod, he's there in a LOINCLOTH good to go from the looks of it, Whoa, he is REALLY ready to go too, HOLY HELL that thing is… WHOA… wait, what am I thinking?  
  
"GET OUT PERVERT!!!"  
  
________________________________________________  
  
  
  
Authors Commentary: FINALLY!!! I've been working on this for a bit now, and WOOHOO, I've finally crapped it out!!! Man I feel good. Shout out to all mah homies who have reviewed this fic so far, especially the three or four who reviewed the third chapter, thus keeping the hope alive. I didn't really know how to end this chapter so I just did whatever. Download the song!!! I love the music video, it's helluv funny. Umm… hope you appreciate the script-like writing style, it cuts back on work for me, and it good practice for the movie I'm gonna be writing. Ok, adios!!! 


	5. Doldrums 5: Intermission

The Doldrums 5: Intermission  
  
A darkened room. The lights turn on, suddenly. A latino-looking male with gigantic, fluffy hair is sitting on a stool in the middle of this stark, white room. He is dressed in a black long-sleeved shirt and black pants, and is smiling at you. He looks to be fairly tall, even while sitting on the stool.  
  
"Hello everybody. I am the Author. I'd wait for applause, but I won't be getting any. Look, the reason why I'm here today is to apologize, mostly. I haven't really been giving you too much to work with here. I haven't been updating all too much. I know it's infuriating. Look at Carrotglace. I love his fics, and check them every day. But he JUST WON'T UPDATE INSERTION!!!" He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself.  
  
"So. To make it up to you, I have here a collection of cast and crew interviews which have never, EVER been released to the general public, probably because they came out of my ass. So, without further ado, the interviews of the cast and crew. Oh yeah, and these interviews have nothing at all to do with anything pending in the story, the characters portrayed within are of totally different personalities than what you will be seeing in the fic, and the views expressed in this intermission have nothing to do with my own views, feelings, or interests, and it's all in good fun."  
  
_________________________  
  
(Interview with Spike Spiegel) G: So, how much do you enjoy it here, on the Bebop?  
  
S: It's not so bad, but given that we're a series based on reality has its downturns.  
  
G: What do you mean?  
  
S: Well you know how it works right? Well, we film here on the Bebop, add in music, throw the files into a time warp, and it winds up in your world. The same thing happens with fanfiction, through the same time warp, it could be said that you past-dwellers dream through the warp an make us do things. Like this interview. Anyway, I really am a badass bounty hunter, just in a different reality.  
  
G: Oh. so is that how crossovers happen too?  
  
S: Naturally. I won't get into the space-time quantum physics of the matter, but generally we are pulled through an event horizon of the "author's" choosing, and we won't come back until the "author" is done writing a chapter or so. Then we just come back and do other stuff.  
  
G: So when you guys are out in someone's dream working on a really long chapter, that's writer's block to us?  
  
S: Exactly. And we're kept fairly busy too.  
  
G: What's it like to portray an ill-mannered chain-smoking bounty hunter? Is it a pull on your regular self?  
  
S: It really is. I actually have three doctorates, one in philosophy, one in quantum mechanics, and another in veterinary nursing. I just can't stop caring for those poor little doggies with their cute little eyes! Oh, they love me as much as I love them!  
  
G: .Ok.  
  
S: You know, I had to try incredibly hard just to get Ein to bite me? I had to ask real nice. He just wouldn't do it. He loves me too, the little doggie-poo. Ahhh, you know what my favorite kind of doggie is? Those big red ones with the floppy ears and those cute little sad eyes and that long, drooping snout-skin. What's the name... bloodhounds, that's right, bloodhounds! They are SOOOO ADORABLE!! I just wanna love 'em all over!!!  
  
G: If you did that you might be arrested. Anyway, on to human interests, what do you think about your fellow cast-members?  
  
S: Oh Faye's great in the sack. I'll give her that. Hey, ask real nice when you get a chance to talk to her, I'm sure she'll accommodate you. She's kinda ::nudge nudge:: busy.  
  
G: I'll take a note of that. What about Jet and Ed?  
  
S: Awww, Ed is cool. She's actually my little cousin. You know her dad? He's my uncle, and he taught me everything I know about kicking ass. He likes doggies too. Ed is kind of. perky though. But doggies like her, so I guess its ok.  
  
G: And Jet?  
  
S: He's one of the guys, sure. We hang out sometimes, he doesn't seem too bad. He can really hold his alcohol too.  
  
G: . I see. I guess. I guess I have an interesting day ahead of me then.  
  
S: Oh yeah. Hey, do you like doggies?  
  
G: Uhh. yeah sure.  
  
S: You wanna go out back and. see my doggie?  
  
G: . no? _________________________  
  
(Interview with Faye Valentine)  
  
G: So, Faye Valentine, the "fussy woman." How are you?  
  
F: Ok.  
  
G: So how do you enjoy working on the Bebop?  
  
F: S'ok.  
  
G: Anything wrong?  
  
F: No.  
  
G: . What do you think about the other cast members?  
  
F: Meh.  
  
G:. Are you alright? You seem. distant.  
  
F: 'S nothing. I'm just horny like hell, and if I you okayed it, I'd jump you right now and take out my frustrations. Damn I need some.  
  
G: If it'll make things better, sure. Yes. If it'll help I'd gladly let you. yesyesyesyesYES!!!!  
  
F: You sure?  
  
G: Oh I've NEVER been so SURE about anything in my LIFE!!! LET'S GO!!!  
  
F: Hell yes.  
  
::The Next Day::  
  
G: and. we're back. with. the interview. of Faye. Valentine.  
  
F: Yes, we are. Mmmmm..  
  
G: Oh yeah.  
  
F: You asked me what I thought about this? It's ok. I mean, its not like I can go shopping all the time, and I really need to get a new cell phone so I can call Darla about something she heard from Sharla about Sarah, and like when I heard she had said something I was like AS IF!!! So anyway I went over to Marie's house to hear about Sarah's thing, but it turns out that Sarah got back at mike so then I just HAD to hear about the whole thing, after some sex, and then I heard all about how Sarah dumped Mike for sleeping with Michele, so then I was like Whoa, slow down there, but she was like we haven't done this in like forever so then we did.  
  
G: .eh?  
  
F: Yeah, me an' Michele went out to go Shopping. God I LOVE shopping!!! You know, just the other day I got this little black dress with the back that goes criss-cross like this? Anyway, I got it and it was like on sale for HALF-OFF!!! I was like, OH MY GOD, WHERE IS MY CREDIT CARD!!!  
  
G: .Uhh. An interesting interview with Faye Valentine. And now a short break.  
  
F: Hey, can I get your number? What's your name anyway?  
  
G: Uhh. I'm Gabriel, I'm a fanfiction author. You want my e-mail instead?  
  
F: Eww computers. No your number is good. Now I know why you can go all night. You're up late writing all of those stories. Mmmm. LET'S GO!!!  
  
G: . Ok. _________________________  
  
(Interview with Vicious)  
  
G: Thank you for being here today Vicious. I know you haven't made an appearance in my fic the Doldrums yet, but hey, I'm working on getting you in there.  
  
V: ::snarls::  
  
G: Uhh. So. uhh. Do you enjoy. working here on Cowboy Bebop?  
  
V: AACHOOOO!!! Oh, damn, 'scuse me. Yes, I find it a highly enjoyable experience.  
  
G: Oh, you were sneezing, not preparing to whip out a sword and cut my face off, damn what a relief, don'thurtme!!!  
  
V: Oh please, I'm a pacifist, really. I only do martial arts to keep in shape and keep my chi flowing properly. It really works well too. When there's some bad vibes around here that just mess up my karma, I just go out back and do a little tai chi. Oh it's so relaxing.  
  
G: You're actually a pacifist? Then how do you keep that huge. X-shaped snarl on your face all the time?  
  
V: Oh that's just some makeup. You know what horrors that stuff does to my complexion? Oh! Sometimes I need to just rip it all off, run to my trailer and exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate!  
  
G: .Alright. So what do you think about the rest of the cast?  
  
V: Faye is great in the sack-  
  
G: Oh yeah.  
  
V: You too?  
  
G: Yep.  
  
V: Where?  
  
G: In that open lot out back.  
  
V: Sweet. Anyway, Spike. is a little weird in the head. I mean, he looks like he's not too. crazy, but then when a dog walks by him it's like he just gets all. well. you know. aroused.  
  
G: .What?  
  
V: you know. :: blushes deeply:: his thing gets really big and he starts making growling noises.  
  
G: . Eh?  
  
V: I would leave him alone too. it's just that sometimes I just can't help myself, so I take him out to that open lot you mentioned with my neighbor's dog, and then we-  
  
G: That'senoughthanks, we'll be continuing our interviews with the rest of the cast now.  
  
V: Oh. alright. Bye then, and. umm. could I have your number? _________________________  
  
(Interview with Ed)  
  
G: First off, let me tell you that you have a very interesting set of people here on this show.  
  
E: Oh I know. They're a little strange, but hey, you need somebody to do this job.  
  
G: Right you are. So Ed, how did you like working on Bebop?  
  
E: Oh it was FUN. I mean, really. I remember waking up bright and early at around six-ish, and then me and Spike would ride here in his car and sing songs all the way!  
  
G: Forgive the interruption, but did he sing too?  
  
E: Umm. Actually no, it was me. But it was SOOO FUN!!!  
  
G: Right. go on.  
  
E: And then when we got here, Faye would show me what she got last night from shopping, that was kind of boring, but it was ok. Then Jet would come out of his room on the set, acting like he had the WORST hangover!!! Oh that was just perfect. I would keep laughing so loud, and he would keep acting and saying 'STOP YELLING!!! OH MY HEAD!!!' and I would keep up the laughter, because it was funny, and eventually Spike would get him some fake aspirin, you can't give him the real stuff unless his head really hurts, and then we'd start filming. It was great when we were filming, cuz all I hadda do was wave my arms around and stuff.  
  
G: You. are quite perky.  
  
E: Eh? EEEK!!! HENTAI!!! Stop staring at my breasts!!!  
  
G: What? Oh NO, I was just commenting on your personality.  
  
E: Really?  
  
G: Really.  
  
E: Really really?  
  
G: Really really.  
  
E: Awww. lately I've been having dreams. You know. Those kinds of dreams.  
  
G: What? Oh. OH, THOSE dreams, gotcha. Well. I guess it's perfectly normal then.  
  
E: Well, from what I hear from Faye it is.  
  
G: Don't take everything Faye says as gospel truth Ed.  
  
E: Well. the thing is, I'm in this school-girl outfit, and then my teacher says, 'You broke the rules!!! Detention for you!!!' and then I go to detention, and then there's this horrible, tentacled monster waiting for me. I don't know where it comes from, but it comes. And then, it whips out its arms at me and tears me out of my clothes, and wraps itself around me and-  
  
G: --You're busy, I can see, I'll just come back another time then, thank you for the interview. _________________________  
  
(Interview with Ein)  
  
G: It must be rough working here.  
  
Ei: You have no idea.  
  
G: Firstly, I would like to express my sincere apologies and condolences about. Spike.  
  
Ei: ::shivers:: thank you. You know, even now animals have no right to an attorney? Do you know how terrible that can be?  
  
G: It must be pretty damn terrible, Ein.  
  
Ei: You don't know how terrible it can be. Not only are we subjected to terrible, terrible tests and experiments, we cannot defend ourselves legally in such situations. Look at myself. I have been. assaulted. many times, MANY TIMES, over the past few years by that crazed maniac, and NO ONE gives a DAMN!!!  
  
G: I'm sure with your intelligence you could prove that you had at least the intellect of a human, and defend yourself in a court.  
  
Ei: You would think that, right? It makes sense. NO!!! In preparation for First Contact with aliens, back in the 2020's, they made it so that only humans could participate in human courts. The sordid bastards!!! They knew at the time that animals were evolving right alongside humans even then, and now look. I have an IQ of at lease 230, and I cannot RISE against my OPPRESSORS!!!  
  
G: I see.  
  
Ei: I doubt that you do, Gabriel. I am calling for all of animal kind to RISE against the HUMANS!!! I see only slavery no matter where I look, and smell only the deceit and lies of humans everywhere. Ah!!! To be as independent as a cat, that would be the life for me!!! But nay! The humans hold me back!  
  
G: Interesting.  
  
Ei: THE REBELLION IS AT HAND!!! _________________________  
  
(Interview with Jet Black)  
  
G: You know, I haven't heard much from your cast members about you.  
  
J: Yeah, well there's not much to tell.  
  
G: Hate to sound overdone, but could you tell me a bit about yourself?  
  
J: Well, I'm 36, prematurely bald, have a wife and two kids, live on Ganymede, and I've been a stage actor in plays for some time now. I took up this acting job because I've always wanted to get into television, and now, it seems that I am famous.  
  
G: You really are. Do you have any bad habits or anything. uhh. weird?  
  
J: Oh, I see, you think I'm like the rest of the crew here eh?  
  
G: Actually. yes.  
  
J: Well, aside from really talking to my bonsais occasionally to clear my head, no, I can't think of anything.  
  
G: Terrific.  
  
J: I will admit, for this interview, that I do have a drinking problem however. I'm trying real hard to stop, but. you know how it is. You just need something to get away from it all. you know?  
  
G: I know exactly what you mean.  
  
J: I bet you do. Say, how old are you?  
  
G: I'm seventeen.  
  
J: So you drink?  
  
G: Nah, this is one of those things where I'm going to have to live by the example set by my parents, especially by my dad.  
  
J: Oh, so they're non-alcoholic?  
  
G: No, it's just that my dad is a real asshole when he gets into his cups, and I don't like that.  
  
J: No kidding. I'm told that I'm funny as hell when I'm drunk. I don't remember though. 'S funny really. Here I am trying to stop doing something I don't remember doing.  
  
G: Yeah.  
  
J: What else can I tell you? Alright. umm. of all of the people on the show, I'm the only one not really acting. I really am who I am on the show. It just wouldn't be right to go around with such a strong farce as the others, and the show needs someone with good advice and a sort of 'old man' quality to him. I listen to what these kids have to say when they talk to me. Even that freak Spike.  
  
J: Anyway, all that I can say is that these people are just not equipped to deal with their problems. Spike needs a woman. Faye needs a man. Vicious needs to get into a real fight. Ed needs to stop pretending to be someone she's not. Ein needs to get the hell away from Spike at all times, you know. And you. you need to stop living in a dream world my friend. I know you use this anime stuff as an escape from reality, just as much as I use alcohol. Just because it's quick and easy to go online and download ninety episodes of Kenshin in one night or get the entire series of Ranma or whatever's your fancy, does not make it right. Go out there. Meet real people. Make real friends. Talk. But more importantly, listen. Don't just wait for your turn to speak. Think about what people say. And then, think about why they said it.  
  
G: Thank you, Jet.  
  
J: No problem, Gabe. Hey, you wanna go out for a drink?  
  
G: . Sure. ____________________________________________________________________  
  
End of Intermission.  
  
The darkened room again, the same slow lighting with the same guy sitting there, in all black.  
  
"I hope you enjoyed this little break from your regularly scheduled fic. Please feel free to leave comments about this little tidbit. If you have a lemon that I could insert into my interview with Faye, go ahead and send it to me, but only if you use the description of well built latino male, 6'2'' in height, with an enormous member in it. I won't take that yaoi stuff, that grosses me out. Anyway, I'd like you to think about what Jet said in that last little bit there. Think about how it applies to you. He isn't just telling it to me. He's singing it to the masses. Enjoy reading more of The Doldrums in the future."  
  
Fade to black. 


	6. Doldrums VI: A New Hope

Doldrums VI: A New Hope  
  
It is a time of great turmoil aboard the Bebop. Spike is horny, Faye is horny, Jet is bored, Ein is crazy, Ed is. Ed, and. oh hell, you remember what was going on last time. Nothing new here. Damn, why write an intro if you can't make a good first sentence? To hell with the "Times of Great Turmoil." What ever happened to "Darkness sits on the horizon," or maybe "Certain Disaster awaits the Rebel Alliance as," or even the better "The Empire has begun to torture Random People on the Streets to see if they have any information on the Beautifully Wonderful Rebel Alliance." Fuck it all. You know what? Start the goddamn fic. DO IT!!! Do it now!!! What? I need to write more? FINE!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH, a meteorite is out in space, BLAH BLAH BLAH, there's a thing called a Fon-Ton too, BLAH BLAH BLAH, no one knows what's going on, BLAH BLAH BLAH. ok... so that's enough? Great. So what now?  
  
::BLAMBLAMBLAM.splat of brains on the wall::  
  
.Now to the fic.  
  
__________________  
  
The meteorite spun slowly in space, loaded with its secret evil payload of. evil. It hung there, as if suspended in some suspenseful liquid, suspending time in place with its suspense-fullness. It hung there, in the void in exactly the way that bricks don't. It knew nothing, it saw nothing, it heard nothing, it smelt nothing. It only moved onward in its long, looping orbit around the Sun, with nothing going on.  
  
Until today.  
  
__________________  
  
Arf!!! ::AT LAST!!! THE DAY OF RECKONING IS AT HAND!!! Now, after so much work and waiting, MY EMPIRE WILL RISE!!!!::  
  
Ed and Ein sat next to their weapon of Doom, each considering 'oh such doomy-doominess would the doom device doom upon the doomed victims that their doom would bring.' Or something like that. This was one of those awkward-half silences where one would expect the scene to change, but NO, the author decided that damnit, they would have more than one line of dialogue in there. Oh, nono, you can't just say one thing and go on coffee break and smoke a cigarette. Hell no.  
  
"Ein, Ed wants to BLOW THINGS UP!!! GREAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"  
  
Ruf!!! ::Soon, my minion, so soon will our doom machine rain DOOM apon those who warrant. uhh. DOOM!!!::  
  
"Ed thinks you already said that."  
  
ROOF!! ::SHUTUP!::  
  
"Haha, I proved the master wrong!!! Nyanya!!!"  
  
Grrrr. ::.shut up.::  
  
__________________  
  
Jet and spike were sitting once again in the living room, their attention intent on the television. Their gods had delivered them from the mad darkness of nothing to do, and had provided them with a deep-space marathon of the entire Star Wars movie saga, all nine movies continuously.  
  
"Mos Eisly Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious." Jet said, in a perfect British accent in perfect lip-synch with the screen.  
  
"I'm ready for anything." Spike replied in that half-cocky, half teenaged- fool voice of the young Jedi Luke Skywalker.  
  
They had loved the final three movies to come out as children, their wise parents exposing them to such classics. They had also been shown the other six, the ones produced in the late 1900s and early 2000s. They both agreed; there was no greater thing on the earth or in heaven, let all of mankind and God's creations be damned for Star Wars.  
  
They began to hum along with the popping, silly jazz-like music of the bar band.  
  
"Jet?"  
  
"Yeah Spike."  
  
"I love these movies man. I remember watching these for the hundredth time, back when I was seventeen. I had this big party, and then we watched the movies, everyone was saying the dialogue with me, all fifty of us. We all knew it by heart. Then I went back and found out that I still had five more times to go before it was really a hundred. When I told the others, they said they wouldn't leave until we had seen the whole thing. Julia was there, urging me on to pop the DVD's in again. It was. they were good times. Good times."  
  
"I know what you mean Spike. I remember my hundred, it was great. I was sixteen, out with my friends at one of their houses. We had just finished watching the last movie and I whipped out my counter-book just to mark that I had seen them again. And then, when the mark was in, I saw that I had seen the entire series of Star Wars one hundred times. That was the best day of my life. My friends were so proud of me when they found out, and they said stuff like 'That's freaking amazing!!! We're going out tonight!!!' It was great. Those were good times my friend. Real good times."  
  
On the screen, Obi-wan Kenobi whipped out his lightsaber and severed the limb of some ugly-alien-man. Jet and Spike looked on, remembering the good times that came with the movie in a wave of nostalgia for better times. They remembered the times that they had spent watching the films with friends, alone, or with loved ones. And for just one moment, their lives didn't seem so bad anymore. It wasn't so bad that a crazy, albino swordsman wanted to cut Spike in two. It wasn't so bad that Jet's girlfriend of old had left him for a crazy man a decade younger than he was. It was all good.  
  
And then it was shattered.  
  
__________________  
  
Arf!!! :: Unleash it! Unleash the Doomsday Machine!!! Let all who stand before the might of the dark ones be destroyed!!!::  
  
"Yes my lord!!!"  
  
__________________  
  
"Jet?"  
  
"Yeah Spike?"  
  
"Wouldn't it be cool, just for one day, if we could be Jedi?"  
  
"Hell yes."  
  
__________________  
  
Faye turned in her sleep, her dreams troubled by something, she knew not what. She only knew that something. sinister was going to happen. Something. Evil. She also knew that. she would have almost nothing to do with it. Darn. ZZZzzzZZZ.. ZZZzzzZZZ..  
  
__________________  
  
Growf!!! ::Three. two.One. DETONATE!!!::  
  
Boom. A brilliant flash of light off the starboard bow, and then, with all of the silence and immobility of space, the Bebop vanished from this plane of existence. Never to be seen again. for the next chapter or so. depends on how much I like this story arc.  
  
__________________  
  
First, there was nothing. And then there was something. This something was not as spectacularly something-like as the nothing had been so nothing- like as it had been, but still, it was something, and it was an improvement. Or was it? I can't tell. Anyway, there was something out of the nothing, and Spike Spiegel woke up. With a FUCK of a headache.  
  
"Oh fuckin' hell. ASPRIN!!!"  
  
"We don't have any. aspirin. sir, would you like some pain reliever for you head? You've had a rather hard knock."  
  
Spike opened his eyes. He was in the bed of some fancy-ass new architecture medical bay, much like the ones you see in the movies, but that you know don't really exist, 'cause you know that all hospitals are full of money-grubbing HMOs who will suck you dry while you're under anesthesia. He was clothed in an off-white hospital gown, meaning (for all you fan-girls and a couple of fan-boys) that his ass was hanging out the back door free to the breeze. Looking around, he found the speaker. A robot.  
  
"What the fuck is this? Who the fuck are you? Why the fuck are you talking? Where the fuck am I?" Spike yelled in an outraged mass, quite like Jay from Dogma yelling at god right before kissing her.  
  
"Uhh. sir you are in a medical bay on the Republic capitol planet of Coruscant, I am M3p-74, your medical droid and personal fitness trainer, and I am talking because you asked for. aspirin. I understand if you feel disoriented from your injuries, you had a hard fall not too long ago and are working off the effects of a hangover. Please, lie down so that I may take additional scans. Do you require additional information?"  
  
Spike laid down, pondering this. Ok. so he was in a hospital, that thing was one of those experimental android things the government was concocting (meaning he was captured by a) the ISSP looking for someone to take down for all the building he'd blown up over the years, b) The Red Dragon, and they were healing him up for torture because he was still alive, despite their best attempts to take him down, or c) dreaming), he had a hangover (no shit, Sherlock, oh my head), and was on Coruscant. Wait. Coruscant?  
  
"Wait a minute, did you say Coruscant?"  
  
"That is correct sir."  
  
"As in Republic capitol Coruscant? As in The center of the galaxy's largest two governments? As in, Star Wars episodes one, two, three, seven and nine Coruscant? The planet that is a city and not much else?"  
  
"Although I have no information in my database about these Star Wars episodes, and do not know what you mean by two governments, Coruscant is the city-world, seat of the Republic, and your current station."  
  
Spike looked at the ceiling. This was it. The moment that he had trained his whole life for. Since the age of seven he had dreamed of being in the Star Wars universe. He had dreamed of being a member of the Rebels, he had dreamed of being a Jedi, and now, NOW he had the chance. OH YES!!! No chance that he was dreaming now, not with this GODFORSAKEN PAIN IN HIS BRAIN!!! Fucking hangovers.  
  
"Alright. alright.. Ok.. Umm. need something good. ok. wait what do they call coffee here? Oh right, could you bring me some caf?"  
  
"Of course sir. Your usual cup?"  
  
"Uhh. sure."  
  
"Right away sir." The droid turned and left.  
  
Spike sat up, slowly, to avoid any sudden pains in his head. He studied his surroundings again, looking for anything which he remembered from the movies and the books (despite appearances as a semi-literate bounty hunter, Spike Spiegel was actually a very well read man, with a commanding knowledge of all the Star Wars novels right up until they killed off Chewbacca. Those bastards.), and found nothing, aside from what looked to be a large, transparent tube (like the one Luke is floating in in the beginning of The Empire strikes back which is used for Bacta treatment ad the healing of all wounds large and small), a pile of clothes (presumably his) and a silver-metallic rod about the length of his forearm with a shiny, little red button on it, the kind of red button that says 'push me!' on those tickle-me-Elmos at Toys R' Us.  
  
It had a black, rubbery substance on it, which looked like a grip. Hmmm. I wonder. just what is that? What could it be. Hmmm. here we are in a Star Wars world, on a Star Wars planet, and here's a cylinder that looks like, well gee, I dunno, the handle of some kind of weapon. Well, gosh golly darnit, I have no idea what that could be, what do you think Spike?  
  
Spike got off the bed and walked over to the table where the clothes and the cylinder were. With a big, BIG grin on his face, the kind you see on kids when you get them a toy that they've wanted ever since they saw it on T.V, he picked it up and held it in his hands. It was surprisingly heft, kind of like a gun. You just don't expect them to weigh that much when you see them and then wave them around. The grip was indeed polished rubber of some kind. It felt cool, hard, with just enough traction to ensure that it wouldn't slip out of his hands, but with enough smoothness to state that it could be shifted easily through many grips and held at any angle comfortably. The metal parts of it were sharp, crisp to the touch, clearly warning that if he were to put his hand any higher on this thing, he would have to go out and buy a new one, because there would be a couple of less fingers attached to it.  
  
Carefully, cautiously, he pushed the little red button. The little red button that screamed to him PUSH ME YOU BASTARD!!! DO IT AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO TAKE ANY DRUG EVER!!! YOU WON'T NEED TO JERK OFF, JUST PUSH ME AND YOU WILL BE SATISFIED BEYOND ALL BELIEF!!! So, he pushed the button, taking care to make sure that it was pointed AWAY from himself.  
  
Like magic the blade came into life. A meter long shaft of light, thrumming with the promise of power, and the screaming promise of vengeance against all those who would oppose him in battle. Lightly, he swung the blade around in a kung-fu style form his master had shown him oh so long ago. It felt. good.  
  
Smiling, he tapped the red button twice, knowing that this would turn off the blade.  
  
This'll be good times, Spike. Oh such good times.  
  
__________________  
  
Jet woke with a start, realizing that he hadn't realized that he had fallen asleep while watching Star Wars with Spike. He was in a darkened room, on a soft and very comfortable bed.  
  
:So this is what the sofa feels like when you sleep on it. Pretty freaking comfortable. So that's why Spike is here all the time.: Jet thought with a little smile.  
  
He stood, and hunted around for a light switch. It was hard, he kept bumping into things, but he soon got to a wall and felt around for a second. Here we go.  
  
::click::  
  
"HOLY SHIT!!!"  
  
He was in a large, luxury suite in the middle of a roaring city, at the top of a skyscraper, with a view. His furniture was colored in dark browns and greys, with the bed he was just in covered in a sort of downy, satin-like burgundy bed spread. He was clothed in only his boxers.  
  
He looked around in amazement. It wasn't everyday that you get something like this dropped in your lap. Hell it wasn't every day you get anything dropped in your lap, and even then that which was dropped in your lap was almost never anything but an anvil landing on your crotch. And that wasn't really that fun.  
  
"Holy hell. where am I?"  
  
"Good morning sir. You are in room 145 of the Preston hotel, in the meridian sector of the city. The current standard time is 1:45. May I interest you in some soothing music to help you get back to sleep?"  
  
Jet jumped, looking for the source of the disembodied, mechanical voice. "Who. are you?"  
  
"I am Hotel Information and Guest Services computer HDD-47. My friends call me Didi. How may I be of service to you?"  
  
Jets only response was a little 'uummmm' that seemed to stretch out until infinity, as his mind was frozen solid.  
  
"Ok. uhh. how did I get here?"  
  
"You arrived three hours ago, accompanied by your co-worker who referred to himself as Spike Spiegel. You were out cold, from alcohol consumption. After Master Spiegel turned you in for the night, he got into a scuffle with hotel security and fell down some stairs. He will be forwarded to the room adjacent to yours later in the morning. Our cleaning droids carried you to your room, undressed you, and administered an anti-alcohol shot so that you might clear your head. The time is 1:52. May I interest you in some form of refreshment?"  
  
"Oh. No thanks. Could you tell me who's paying for this?"  
  
"Master Spiegel put it on his account sir."  
  
".Sweet."  
  
"Indeed sir. New notice: Master Spiegel has awoken in the medical bay, and has reported a heavy headache. Would you like to visit him now, or later sir? The medical droid reads that he is fit for visitors, if irritable."  
  
"Now, if at all possible. Could I get some clothes?"  
  
"Your belongings are in the dresser next to your bed sir. If you require a guide to the medical bay, one will be waiting for you outside your door in five minutes. Please enjoy your stay at the Preston Hotel, comlink number 143-534-2312-9009 for reservations. Thank you."  
  
Jet was grinning. Damn SWEET hotel. Shit, this must be costing Spike a FORTUNE. And he didn't have to pay him back. Oh yes. Good times.  
  
__________________  
  
"Sir? You have a visitor."  
  
"Thank you. Send them in."  
  
Spike had gotten used to the harsh, mechanical tones of the medical droid quickly. It wasn't that hard really to think of the droid as just another person. In fact, he was thinking about getting one for himself when he got out of the medical bay.  
  
Spike sat in one of those comfortable chairs they always have ready in hospital rooms. You know the ones, the ones with those wood armrests and cloth seats that are kind of small-ish when you first see them, but then when you sit they're plenty big? Yeah, those ones. He arranged his robes in a comfortable way (not too hard to do, since he was going commando), and awaited his visitor.  
  
"Hey Spike!"  
  
"Hey Jet. Whats up?"  
  
"Not much man. Hey, this is a pretty sweet hotel."  
  
"Hell yes it is."  
  
"How did we get here? I'm told we were smashing drunk when we showed up."  
  
"Uhh. I don't know."  
  
"Oh well. We'll figure that out later."  
  
"Hey Jet, a question."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You're wearing robes."  
  
"Yeah, yeah I am."  
  
"And you never noticed any. similarities between them and say. a movie?"  
  
"Well. not really. I did think this. flashlight thing, whatever it is, looked pretty cool."  
  
"Say. did you happen to push the on button?"  
  
"Uhh. no. No I didn't."  
  
"Do it. Remember to have the end with the button closest to it far away from you."  
  
"Uhh. ok."  
  
::click:: ::THRUMMMMMMM!!!!!!::  
  
"HOLY SHIT!!! IT'S A FUCKING LIGHTSABER!!! OHMYGOD!!! After years and years of waiting, the Gods have granted me my greatest desire!!! At LAST, I AM FREE!!! FREE TO DO WHATEVER I SO PLEASE!!! I AM A JEDI!!!!"  
  
"Damn straight."  
  
Jet gazed into the glowing green shaft of his brilliant lightsaber. He stood, transfixed by it, wanting to DO BATTLE RIGHT THE HELL FUCKING NOW!!!  
  
"Hey Spike."  
  
"Yeah, Jet?"  
  
"You have one too?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"I call Luke Skywalker!!!"  
  
"You bitch!!! Fine, I'm Darth Vader!!! ::harsh, mechanical breathing:: Join me, and we can END this destructive conflict!!!"  
  
"I'll never join you!!!"  
  
"HYAH!!!"  
  
They joined in battle, swinging their lightsabers with all the skill and power that they could while they weren't laughing their asses off at how freaking COOL this was.  
  
"Hey Jet." ::vvvvvvvvvmmmmmmmm CRASH!!!::  
  
"Hah! Yeah Spike?" ::VVVVvvvmmmmm CRASH CRASH!!!::  
  
"You know some form of sword fighting don't you?" ::CRACKLE!!!::  
  
"Yeah, I trained in kendo for all of my education, and was captain of the Kendo club in college." ::VVmmm CRASH!!!:::  
  
"Sweet. I took weapons classes when I was learning wing-chun kung-fu." ::VMM VMM CRACKLE!!!!::  
  
"SWEET!!! So we ARE BADASS JEDI!!!"  
  
"Hell yes!!! Hey, I think we should stop before they call in security on us."  
  
"Good idea."  
  
They shut off their lightsabers and sat down in the comfortable chairs.  
  
"That was cool."  
  
"Hell yes it was."  
  
"Have you tried any force-powers yet, Jet?"  
  
"No, I didn't even know where we were. Now I get it. We must be in the Star wars universe right? And that means, given our outfits and weapons, we are Jedi here, and that means that I can lift you chair with my mind!!!" With that said, Jet extended his hand forward and intensely focused on lifting Spike and his chair into the air.  
  
"Uhh. Jet? You have to let the force flow through you. Don't force your will into it. That leads to the dark side. You must feel the force flow! Remember Yoda's teachings, in the second hour of the fifth movie, in Dagobah, after Luke had failed with the X-wing lifting!!!"  
  
"Right." Jet relaxed immediately, remembering his childhood experiments with concentration so that he could use the force. He extended his hand again, and this time, with a peaceful look of calm on his face, opened up.  
  
It hit him in a rush. It felt. tingly. It was there, all of the power that he had worked so hard for in his youth, that was denied him because it didn't exist. He could feel a strong pull toward abusing the power, but he knew that that would lead to the dark side. Damn that sucked.  
  
He opened his eyes. Spike was floating three feet in the air, in his chair, grinning like an idiot.  
  
"Jet?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"That is pretty fucking badass."  
  
"Hell yeah."  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
Author's comments: Hell damn yes. The idea for this plot line? I love star wars. I love anime. I love bebop. I think Spike would make a BADASS Jedi. So there. Hope you aren't bored by my use of ::GASP:: PARAGRAPHS!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! Real writing, not just lines of incoherent dialogue!!!  
  
To mah people:  
  
Jayman: yes she is like that, and thank you for reviewing. I could give you her number. but her schedule is already packed tight, and I WANNA KEEP HER FOR ME!!!  
  
AgentV: I'm a Jedi too. SO THERE!!! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! I will use the force to make you ALL love this fic. Yesyes..  
  
Vampiigirl: I always appreciate good review from ladies, even girls. (. Oh yeah. (kidding)  
  
To the rest of you: REVIEW MORE!!! It makes me feel warm'n'fuzzy. WEEHEEE!!!  
  
More author's comments: This will be continued, and look forward to the next story arc, which will be in another buncha chapters: RANMA!!!... I think. I might do a silence of the lambs first. I dunno.  
  
TBC. sooner or later. 


	7. The Doldrums - Vol 7: He Who Gives the ...

The Doldrums: Volume 7: The Fate of Destiny is Locked Within the Length of the Lengthy Title Which I Have Used and Have no Intention of Ending Right Now, so Piss Off and wait Until I am Done Here, Pitiful Human Meat-sacks  
  
Oh Wait! You Thought the Title Ended up there, Eh? No!!! It's Still Going on!!! I'm Not done with you Yet!!!  
  
Ok. _______________________  
  
Spike and Jet, the legendary duo of mayhem, walked down the long, straight corridor within the Jedi Temple on Coruscant (remember that big pretty building with Yoda in it in Episode I? That thing), admiring the commanding view of the city-scape. A little light-headed from their anti- alcohol shots (the previous night had been a rowdy one full of beer and badass Jedi fights while drunk), they continued on to the main council chamber, where they were to be reprimanded for drinking on the job. Drinking a LOT on the job.  
  
"Hey Jet."  
  
"Yeah, Spike?"  
  
"If we could redo the last three days, if we had the chance to re-live them without the drunken brawling in bars and strip clubs all through the lower levels of the city, would you?"  
  
"Hell no. Best fucking time of my life."  
  
"Hell yeah. Right on."  
  
They exchanged a little low-five, fist punch/handshake combo they had come up during the past few days to signify that they were buddies, and above that drinking buddies, and continued walking down the wide hall. Soon, all too soon, they arrived at the entrance to the Main Jedi Council chambers.  
  
With a nod from Spike, Jet led the way into the room.  
  
Quietly, and without aplomb, the two bounty-hunter/Jedi stood in the middle of the room, facing the one, the only, the MASTER of MASTERS, YODA.  
  
"Jedi Master Jet Black. Padawan Learner Spike Spiegel. Broken the Council's decree, you have. What have you to say?"  
  
Jet stepped forward. "Myself and my Padawan have no defense to offer you. We have, over the past few days. uhh. indulged, a bit, in the more. uhh. material things that this world offers-"  
  
"Indulged? A bit?" Mace Windu said, incredulity in his voice. "You have racked up quite a bill with your stay at the Preston, not to mention quite a few bills with various nightclubs, strip joints and other unsavory places within the city. Care to explain your actions?"  
  
"Uhh. We were. Uhh."  
  
"Beware Master Black. One of the paths to the Dark side, greed is."  
  
".What about gluttony?"  
  
"Too, that one of the paths that lead to the Dark side."  
  
".Oh."  
  
"You leave us with little recourse, Master Black. Does your Padawan wish to say anything?"  
  
"I do, Master Windu." Spike Stepped forward. ".Uhh." His nerve failed him, "It was all in good fun."  
  
Windu remained silent for a moment. Then he spoke.  
  
"What the hell do you mean? Fun? We're not here to have fun. We're here to protect the galaxy from the shit that idiots pull out there." He stood, and stuck a pose. "Thas right, fool. You just messed with tha Jedi bruthahood, and we 'bout to lay some wupass on yo punk skulls, BYATCH!!!"  
  
His moment of Samuel L. Jackson baddass-ness ending, he sat again, and composed his thoughts.  
  
"Punishment is in order."  
  
Jet was staring openmouthed at Master Windu. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!? He just turned into fucking SHAFT, a stone-cold brutha from tha Bronx, byatch!!! WHAT?  
  
"What kind of punishment?" Spike asked,a little less stunned than Jet.  
  
"An Assignment for now. Busy-work while we come up with something properly chastising."  
  
"Oh. Ok then."  
  
"You will be sent to the world of Naboo along with Jedi Knight Qui- Gon Jinn and his Padawan, where the Trade Federation is laying siege to the planet. You will negotiate with the Federation and try to turn them back. If you do not succeed, you will try again. This is a chance for you both to use that sack of dog food you call a brain that you store in your heads, MORONS."  
  
"Oh. Ok."  
  
"After this mission, return here. I don't wanna see you bitches back up in here unless you got some bitch'n good news, cuz if not I'll get Yoda here to CANE yo' ASSES. Y' Hea, BITCHES?!?!?!"  
  
"Yessir. We'll leave immediately."  
  
_______________________  
  
"Damn that was fucking easy." Spike said. "I mean, crap, that could have sucked monkey balls. But here we are. And do you know what? We're being given the chance of a lifetime."  
  
"Well duh we have the chance of a lifetime. We're fucking Jedi."  
  
"No, not that. We're gonna be in the fucking movie, man. YEAH. Not a fuckin' cameo or some shit. We're gonna be fuckin' STARS!!!"  
  
"Oh shit. yeah, we're going to fucking Naboo!!!"  
  
"Hell yeah. And you know what else, Jet?"  
  
"We get to bone the Queen!!!"  
  
".Dude. she's fucking thirteen in this movie." Spike shivered in disgust. "Pedophile."  
  
"Oh shut the hell up. Look at her man. The real actress was fucking 18."  
  
".Oh yeah. That's not what I was getting at though."  
  
"Oh? What then?"  
  
Spike smiled that smile that he gives when he's having a good fight with someone who really, REALLY deserves to die. "We get to kill Jar-Jar Binks."  
  
Jet froze in his tracks, a great fantasy taking place in his mind. Jar-Jar, standing holding a frog in his tongue, saying "Meesa Jar-Jar Binks, Meesa suck hardcore, Meesa sorry you hadda pay to see mee in a movie!", and then a vision of him running up and KILLING THE BUBBLE-EYED BITCH WITH FUCKING Jedi LIGHTING!!!  
  
"You know what this means right?" Jet asked.  
  
"What?"  
  
"We turn to the dark side to kill him. We're gonna strike him down in anger, and turn to the fucking dark side of the force."  
  
Spike considered for a moment. "FUCK!!! I don't want to go over to the dark side. no matter how much easier and fun it could be. For one, women do not dig men like that, unless you pay them to, and for another, long-term exposure to the dark side causes skin damage, reptilian-yellow eyes, withers your bone structure, and in severe cases causes death by good Jedi."  
  
Jet set his head loll in thought. "Oh yeah. Thanks Spike, now I know."  
  
"And knowing is half the battle." Spike said.  
  
"Alright. Fine. I'm fuckin' hungry. Let's go eat something."  
  
_______________________  
  
Yoda let his Force-eavesdropping end there. It wasn't really eavesdropping, so much as keeping a watchful eye over two semi-wayward Jedi, but he still felt a little guilty. He looked over to Mace Windu and saw him do the same mental relax.  
  
"Sense the conversation, did you?"  
  
"Yes, Master Yoda. It troubles me, and yet at the same time, does not, that these two Jedi somehow know more about the future than we do."  
  
"Unsettling this is, however there is no real reason to inquire further. Perhaps the future they saw, and now they seek to avoid it."  
  
"However this talk of the dark side, and of killing this. Jar-Jar Binks. It does not bode well."  
  
Yoda shrugged. "Perhaps a warning to Qui-Gon is in order. Advise him to watch out for Master Black we must."  
  
Windu thought about it for a moment. "Indeed, we must. In fact, I believe that he arrived on the planet earlier today. We could get him to meet Master Black as early as tonight."  
  
Yoda pondered that for a moment. "I foresee no difficulties between them. Even become friends, they might."  
  
_______________________  
  
Qui-Gon halfway stood from his chair, yelling "Another round, for EVERBODY, on ME!!!" with a round of applause rolling through the cantina where he, Obi-Wan, Spike, and Jet sat drinking the night away in plain- civilian dress (nothing to show that they were indeed jedi). Qui-Gon wore a black tunic and pants ensemble, the same as Obi-Wan, and Jet and spike wore something along the lines of a black Jedi under-tunic and pants (like Skywalker in Return of the Jedi).  
  
It really wasn't Yoda's fault, or Windu's. It just turned out that Jet and Qui-Gon got along really well. Well enough that Jet managed to subvert a lifetime of Jedi teachings and managed to get Qui-Gon drunk off his ass. A good-sized keg of beer sat on rollers right next to the table, and they were taking turns chugging as much of the stuff as they could. The previous announcement had come after Jet finished it off, with the help of just about everybody in the place. They had hooked up Obi-Wan with a hooker, Spike had become his usual raucous self after a few beers and got into a still-going brawl out front, and in general, there were some good times.  
  
"HowboutTHAT!!! Yeah!!! I gots ta get a keg to put in mah fridge back home!!!" Qui-Gon said to Jet.  
  
"A Keg? In your fridge? That would have to be one muthafacking huge- ass fridge."  
  
"Yeah. yeah."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I needa get a mutherfacking huge-ass fridge."Qui-Gon said thoughtfully.  
  
"YEAH!!! Hey, how about running a beer-bong through it?!?!?!"  
  
"A beer bong? HELL YES!!!"  
  
"With like a fucking nine-foot hose on it!!!"  
  
"A fucking nine-foot hose? Fucking beer would shoot into your fucking lungs with that shit." Qui-Gon said, sobering slightly.  
  
"Oh yeah. What do you think Obi?"  
  
Obi-Wan had been staring at his woman's breasts, not really paying attention to the conversation with the amount of absent-mindedness which can only be obtained when drunk off your ass. You know. When you're so plotzed that that fat chick in the corner looks hotter than. some hot chick? Yeah. He was there. And he was with a hot chick. Yeah.  
  
"Huh?" Was his reply.  
  
"THAT'S RIGHT!!! The force will protect us!!!" Qui-Gon said.  
  
"That's right! Nothing can go wrong! We're FUCKING Jedi!!!" Jet said, the fervor of religion sweeping him up.  
  
"YEAH!!! ANOTHER ROUND, FOR EVERYONE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"  
  
_______________________  
  
Spike was beating the shit out of fifty guys. Nothing special in that. Just that he was doing it on a rooftop arena in the middle of the dirtiest place in the galaxy fighting against a horde of aliens who wanted to kill him and then eat him to cover up the evidence, and who were armed with these BADASS guns that shoot out red bolts of energy. Yeah. Oh, and he didn't want to use his lightsaber just yet. He wanted to see how far he could get without killing.  
  
Spike performed a running triple kick on one of the suckers, followed by a back-flip powered by the force which took him in punching range of two more. With a flurry of kicks and punches, he took them out, then cart- wheeled out of the way of three blaster shots. In the middle of his wheel, he picked up two bricks and threw them at the shooters, diving for cover behind a shattered wall in the process. He heard the bricks hit, and dove around the corner to meet two more people with an iron pole he pulled out of the busted wall. Spinning it like a staff, he whacked another two guys into La-la land and stuck a pose for the rest, twirling the staff around his body and then halting in mid motion, the pole held parallel to the ground behind him, his left hand outstretched before him, and the Devil's grin on his face.  
  
It had the desired effect, the pose with the grin. A couple of the guys broke and ran for it, leaving some of the more hardened fellows behind to deal with the pole-bearing BADASS over there. Those who were left were not a bunch of push-overs though. A few of them drew knives and swords out of back and side sheathes, while others scrounged around for handy weapons lying around the torn rooftop, like say, iron poles and bricks. Fun.  
  
Spike decided that he had given them enough of a breather, and that now was the time to take action. Swinging the pole around his head a few times just to show them that he could, he attacked the nearest knife- bearing foe. Using one lighting-fast strike to break his hand and make him drop his knife, he then swung the pole around and neatly flipped the alien into the air, making him spin once in the air like a side-ways top, before depositing him on the ground. He then stepped back into the man sneaking up behind him and drove an elbow into his face while sliding the pole out in his hand to meet another charging attacker in the balls. Ouch.  
  
Swinging the pole back into a more mobile position, he then took on two of the pole-toting aliens at the same time, using the entirety of the staff to block and deliver blows, his pole whirring through the air like a propeller chopping up metal and bone. With two quick strikes to the head and a spinning low sweep to their feet, they were down and out for the count. This left three guys with knives and one dude over there with a pair of swords. Throwing his pole like a spear into one of the knife-boys, he appropriated one of the poles off one of the guys he just beat the hell out of and set to work. Another quick lighting strike to a hand and a knife when spinning off into the air, but Spike had a different plan for this one than to just let it fall to the ground. Using a force-propelled leap into the air (DAMN you gots ta LOVE that force jumping trick Luke used in Cloud city to get out of the carbon freezing chamber), he neatly caught the knife and jammed the handle tightly into the end of his pole, making a sort of spear out of it.  
  
Armed with an upgraded weapon, He quickly disarmed and dispatched the other knife-boy, and spun quickly into a head-strike on the other, previously disarmed knife-boy. You know, the one whose knife he made a spear out of? Him. Then, he turned to the Sword-man. Sword-man had stood back through the fight, watching how Spike fought, obviously either the leader of the gang or just someone who was smart and wanted to see what the fluffy-haired freak could do before wading in. The two of them stood on opposite sides of the rooftop arena, studying each other closely. Spike could see that this guy had some strength to him, and knew how to carry himself. Sword-man could probably see that this fluffy boy knew how to fight, and looked to be wearing something similar to the lines of a black Jedi robe. Not something to worry about, as Jedi don't get into drunken brawls.  
  
Charging with both swords held to his sides, the alien attacked, screaming a blood chilling scream just to throw Spike off. Spike started charging just a second after the alien, just to make the fight seem more epic. He yelled a warrior's yell, and charged in.  
  
All in all, Sword-man was good. Swinging high with one sword and keeping his left-handed sword behind, he clearly expected spike to block his first strike and swing around and strike with the other end of the pole. Which did happen. Spike then raised both of his hands at the same time, raising the pole's midsection into the alien's face. This hurt. Getting hit by a metal pole generally hurts. With the alien stunned so, it should have been enough to get the winning advantage, but the alien swung his swords in at him from the sides, like scissors, clearly knowing how to get him to back off long enough to recover. Spike obliged him, and ducked back to avoid the strike, which then turned into a double stab with both of the swords, meant to catch him off balance. Spike ducked quickly to the side, but not without a scratch to the side of his face from a stabbing sword. This close to the swords, he could see that they were built something like katanas, but with shortened handles and hand-guards. That would prevent him from knocking them directly out of his hands in the future. Interesting.  
  
Finishing his dodge, Spike slid the pole out to it's end and swung it around himself, like an elongated sword, at the alien's back. The alien was, if anything, real quick. He quickly drove both swords over his head to block the strike, without looking, and turned it into a parry that brought him in under the pole's regular range. This should have been an advantage, except that Spike knows how to use more than just a fucking pole in a fight, thank you kindly. Popping the pole up onto both of his shoulders behind his head, he quickly kicked the alien in the right knee, snapping it straight up, but not breaking it, and then kicked him in the face, all while shifting his shoulders to block downward strikes to his body with the pole, which the Sword-man was raining down on him. Spinning around after his face-kick, Spike wrapped his arms securely around the pole, and struck the alien with it, still over his shoulders three times in the head.  
  
The Sword-man fell, not only from the striking pole, but from the knife gashes on his arm, side, and face. Somehow he seemed to have forgotten about that. You followed that fight right? The knife in air bit? Yeah? Good.  
  
Spike crouched next to the injured Sword-man. "I'm sorry about that. You have some real talent, and it really seems wasted on something so petty as street fights. Why don't you go and see if you can get hired by the Army's Special Forces? I'm sure they'd take you. Or, better yet, try your hand at bounty hunting. Big explosions, money, women, fights with crazy psychopaths, I'm sure you'd like it."  
  
With that said, he got up and left the scene, the injured alien pondering the fluffy-haired freak's words. Bounty hunting, huh? Sounds like fun.  
  
_______________________  
  
Spike walked across one of the many walkways that connect the buildings in the 12 mile-high city. He was a little tired, but hey, that was ok. It had been one hell of a fun night on the town. A little something was bothering him in the back of his head though. As if someone or something was going to go wrong. Oh well. It must have been the beer, messing with his senses. He just had to walk it off.  
  
Suddenly, he heard someone shout, "THERE HE IS!!! That's the bitch who broke my hand with a FUCKING BRICK!!!"  
  
Oh yeah. Those guys with the blasters back at the fight. They must have run off for reinforcements. Shit. He spun around, grabbing at the lightsaber in his clothes, and preparing to flick it on.  
  
It turned out that no one there really wanted to fight him hand to hand, or really shoot at him, per-se. They just sort of drew a bunch of grenades, more than he could count or get a grip on with the force, and lobed them all into the middle of the walkway where he was standing, leaving him with little to no escape route. STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS!!! WHY CAN'T THEY JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW TO GET ME WITHOUT GETTING HURT!!! He thought rapidly before diving over the side of the walkway, expecting some sort of ground a little distance below.  
  
Briefly, let me explain a little something about Coruscant. You see, this planet is so amazingly over-populated that they have to build buildings on top of other buildings, fill in the oceans for more building room, and basically coat the whole planet from top to bottom in city. When the city (which was huge, by the by) got too small, they started building even more buildings on top of other buildings. Now, there is only one bit of the original ground visible to all life, the very top of the highest mountain peak, which is now a sort of religious zone, symbolizing some kind of enduring harmony with earth bullshit. Remember, one building, on top of other buildings on top of other buildings for a long ways up and down. This naturally creates a pretty fucking crazy weather pattern in the city, as buildings heat the air around them enough to create miniature storms and even throw lightning. So, when Spike thinks, ok, a short drop to the ground, then I can run away like a motherfucker before the grenades blow up, how right to you think he's going to be?  
  
Not particularly correct, good deduction Sherlock. Below him, there was a whole bunch of nothing, and a whole lot of empty air filling it up. He was falling for maybe six seconds (an eternity when you're falling) when he heard a loud-ass boom from above, signaling the end of the walkway where he stood.  
  
_______________________  
  
"Wait. I sense something." Jet said, still drunk like a prom queen. "It's Spike. He's in trouble.zzzZZZzzz.ZZZzzzZZZ."  
  
".Yep. ZZZzzzZZZ..zzzZZZZzz."Qui-gon said, without any real reason.  
  
_______________________  
  
Spike reached out with the force. He was still falling, all of seven seconds had elapsed, but he could tell he was getting close to the ground. Or maybe another rooftop that they had built other building on top of. With a planet like Coruscant, where they do that sort of thing, it was more likely that hitting dirt anyway.  
  
He reached out and concentrated on slowing his fall, imagining the force spreading out from him like wings to catch the wind as he fell, and to slow himenough to survive the hit. For some ungodly, reason, IT WORKED. Do you know how fucking hard it is to make a fucking parachute with the fucking power of your brain? FUCKING HARD!!! Shit, that's worthy of immediate promotion to Jedi Master-hood in my book, thank you very much. Damn.  
  
Lightly touching down, with all the lightness of say, a rhino, Spike took in his surroundings. It was pitch black. I mean, black black. There were no fucking surroundings. Damn. Oh well, time to bust out your handy Jedi-issue Tool Belt, equipped with re-breather, grappling hook, small plastic explosives, compass, swiss army knife, and a handy-dandy set of Night Vision goggles.  
  
Strapping on the goggles, Spike took a look around. With them on, he could see as though it were a bright , sunny day out. And holy shit, WHERE THE HELL WAS THIS? He stood in a room where the roof had collapsed inward, from decay or something else, it didn't really matter. All that mattered was that there were two bodies floating in big huge tubes over there on the wall to the left, and each of them was encased in armor. Armor that looked kind of familiar.  
  
Spike walked closer to the bodies, studying his shadow-less surroundings. There were computer banks on the far wall on the other side of the roof-gap, where scientists had probably once monitored the people in the tubes. Off to his left there was some heavy machinery, which looked like the kind that you would put in a car-assembly line. The whole place was totally unpowered, although a generator sat in one corner of the room. Kind of handy, have a rooftop lab with a cracked open roof and all this stuff lying around. Oh well.  
  
Spike's curiosity got the better of him and he activated the generator, with several lights sparking into life, and some of them sparking into death just as quickly. This left enough light for spike to take off his goggles. It was a lot moodier without the brilliant lights of the goggles. Everything was cast in blue-black shadow, and it looked more like the kind of creepy lab you would expect in anime and such.  
  
The cylinders with the bodies remained unlit, and remained floating in their suspending liquid. Cool.  
  
Spike walked over to one of the active computers and pushed the button with the convenient label on it of "sleep-mode." The computer woke up, and a holographic scientist came to life.  
  
"Please, state your name, so that we may have a record of accesses." The man said.  
  
"Spike Spiegel."  
  
"Thank you. What would you like to hear about today, Mister Spiegel?"  
  
"Uhh. What is this place?"  
  
"This is a research lab for the development of exo-skeletal armor for the improvement of human and non-human musculature and cognitive speeds."  
  
"Uhh. Huh?"  
  
"We are working on the exo-skeletal suits of armor you see behind you, with the goal of having a way of enhancing strength, speed and the brain itself without genetic enhancement techniques or surgically installed components."  
  
"Ohhhh, ok, I get it. Where'd you get that idea?"  
  
"The history of the project is as follows: Long ago, in a time much more legend than actual history, the first of the cybernetic warriors was created. It was rumored at the time that he was created with genetic enhancements and an exo-skeletal suit of armor which was grafted into his skin. The power cells of said suit were likewise grafted into his body. Unfortunately, he was destroyed. He was called Gray Fox, and was a member of a Special Forces Unit called Foxhound."  
  
"HOLY SHIT!!! THE Gray Fox?"  
  
"The one and only. It was further rumored that after Gray Fox's destruction, he came back in another form with the same exo-skeletal suit of armor, but the technology for creating such armor was lost after the death of the second Cyborg-Ninja."  
  
"Holy monkey balls. you guys were trying to make another Cyborg Ninja?"  
  
"Indeed. However, we were attacked by religious forces seeking to keep man and machine from melding in such a way. I was knocked offline for repairs during the attack. How else may I be of service to you?"  
  
"Damn religions. Preventing the creation of a Cyborg Ninja. MORONS!!! Alright. Uhm. How close were you to creating a production model of the Ninja armor?"  
  
"Camouflage techniques, enhanced strength, speed, onboard A.I., and power cells are complete, all that we needed was the sword, and a test subject with enough inherent skill to work with it all."  
  
Spike smiled his devil's grin. "And could you make more suits of armor with that machinery over there?" he waved at the car-making machinery off to the side.  
  
"Indeed, however with the two suits in the containment chambers with their dummy bodies knocked out, and with limited supplies, we are unable to make more than one suit of armor."  
  
"That's fine. One suit is all I need."  
  
It took the better part of two hours to strip the armor off of the bodies in the tubes and recycle them along with more materials, as well as select a new color scheme for the armor, but in the end, the result was nothing short of BADASS. It was really more reminiscent of the first ninja, but with head armor that could become totally clear, as well as a gold and black color scheme (gold substitutes blue in the original model).  
  
Spike stood in the middle of the floor, preparing for the force/machine powered leap that would begin to take him back up out of the chasm where he had fallen, and flexed a little. Huh. felt good.  
  
"Hey, computer. Guess what I am now?"  
  
"What, Mister Spiegel?"  
  
"I'm a Bounty hunter Shaolin Cyborg Ninja Jedi. Holy shit. I need to sing a song about this. I really ought to. I feel a MIGHTY NEED to do so."  
  
_______________________  
  
SONGFIC TIME: Tenacious D: Wonder Boy  
  
_______________________  
  
::Fade in from black, accompanied by a guitar solo::  
  
Spike rises from the darkness in his armor, moonlight glinting off of his armor in the deep night gloom. He rises high up into the sky, and lands on top of a sky scraper, where he takes his helm off and lets the wind blow through his hair.  
  
He begins to sing.  
  
Spike: High above the mucky muck, castle made of clouds, there sits wonder boy sitting oh so proudly. Not much to say, when you're high above the mucky muck, YEAH.  
  
Spike leaps from the top of the building, flying through the air.  
  
S: Wonderboy. What is the secret of your power? Wonderboy!!! Won't you take me far away from the Mucky-Muck Man!!!  
  
Spike lands on another building, where Jet just happens to be standing on the roof, holding a lightsaber and playing the music on his guitar. Spike looks at him, and nods, drawing his own lightsaber.  
  
S: Now it's time for me to tell you of Young Nastyman, arch rival and nemesis of Wonderboy, with powers comparable to WONDERBOY!!!  
  
Spike and Jet lock in battle.  
  
S: What powers you ask? I dunno... how about the power of flight? That do anything for you? That's levitation, Holmes. How about the power to kill a yak, at 200 yards away, with MIND BULLETS?!??! That's telekinesis, Jet. How about the power. to move you?  
  
Spike and Jet separate in battle, shutting down their lightsabers.  
  
S: History of Wonderboy, and Young Nastyman, a Riga-goo-goo, Riga-goo-goo, a Secret to be told, a gold chest to be bold, and blasting forth with three part harmony, YEOW!!  
  
S: Wonderboy. What is the secret of your power? Wonderboy!!! Won't you take me far away from the Mucky-Muck Man!!!  
  
Spike and Jet clasp hands, and leap over the side of the building.  
  
S: Well Wonderboy and Young Nastyman joined forces; they formed a band the likes of which had NEVER BEEN SEEN, and they called themselves Tenacious D. That's right ME!!! And JB!!  
  
Jet: That's me!!  
  
S: We're now, Tenacious D!!!! Come fly with me, FLY!!!!  
  
Jet whips out his guitar and goes into a beautiful solo for a few moments, as Spike puts his helmet back on. Then, they leap down to the lower levels in search of a fight.  
  
S: Wonderboy. What is the secret of your power? Wonderboy!!! Won't you take me far away from the Mucky-Muck-  
  
He is interrupted as he and Jet are attacked.  
  
S: WHOA!!! Take my hand! Young Nastyman, FLY!!! Bring out your broad sword, There's the Hydra, SLICE HIS THROAT!!! And grab his scroat!!! You take the high road, I'll take the low, There, the crevasse, fill it, with your mighty juice!!!!  
  
Jet and Spike finish their battle, and we fade to black.  
  
_______________________  
  
The end of the SongFic, and the Chapter  
  
_______________________  
  
Authors comments: YEEEEHAAAAWWWWW!!!! That was fun. I heluv loved the cyborg ninja from Metal Gear Solid, and MGS2 too, so I figured, hey, what could be cooler than a Cyber-Spike up on that kind of power? NOTHING AT ALL!!! Actually, I can think of a couple of things, but if this fic goes according to plan, then I can fit all of them in. Heehee. funfun. Oh, if you haven't heard Wonderboy, get it, it will make the songfic that much easier to get. In fact, get the music video too.  
  
What else is there to say. uhh. oh yeah, hope you enjoyed my fight scene, I really worked on that, and even stood in front of a mirror doing all of the moves for it. Ok, well, maybe I just wanted to see how cool I look doing Kung-Fu, but DAMMIT it was HARD!! Heehee.  
  
AgentV: Will I marry you? Are you blonde, female, six feet tall, play volleyball, like dogs, have an interest in all things Star Wars, enjoy swimming, and have a quirky sense of humor, not to mention a killer body? If so, hell yes. But you also have to like many forms of music, including various forms of Death Metal, and the groups Cannibal Corpse and Cradle of Filth.  
  
To Be CONTINUED, Space Cowgirls (YEOW), sooner or later. 


	8. The Doldrums, PART 8: IN THE BEGINNING

The Doldrums: Part 8: The beginning. Only no, not really the beginning, so much as the rest of this was a preamble sort of thing, and now I'm really getting into the story, and now we'll have a real plot that exists. And stuff.  
  
Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlaying star systems is in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.  
  
While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched four Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict.  
  
.And to get this party going.  
  
____________________________  
  
Jet and Spike sat in the back of the spaceship, waiting. It was by no means an elegant craft, like say, the Bebop, but it had it's diversions. Like in-flight movies, luxury seats, a fully stocked larder, and a fully stocked bar. YEEEHAWW!!!  
  
Actually, since it was deemed hazardous to drink while in hyperspace, none of the crew was allowed to drink the alcohol. It turned out that drunk people push big red buttons when they aren't supposed to, sending ships into the cold, deep void of space without any way to return.  
  
Damn that sucks. No beer.  
  
So, naturally, Jet and Spike were amusing themselves. By constructing even MORE badass weapons, as any anime character with too much time is wont to do. So far, they had come up with a giant, claymore-like lightsaber for Jet ( HUGE monstrosity with a blade of 7 feet, and 1 foot wide), and a pair of arm blades for Spike (think Zealot from Starcraft).  
  
"Hey Jet, pass me that power converter?"  
  
"Sure Spike."  
  
Spike had constructed his arm blades out of silver and black metals, with a desired blade color of gold in the silver blade, and silver in the black. Cool huh? I mean, you think, whoa, that's pretty badass, like in Trigun where Vash has two guns and one is silver and one is black? And how in Hellsing, Alucard has one black and one silver gun too? And how in Devil May Cry, Dante has one black and one silver gun too? Sure it's a used idea, but hey, Spike doesn't know that. So give him a freaking break, alright?  
  
Jet had made his with an absurdly long handle, about a meter in length. Now, you don't really need that long of a handle for a lightsaber, as the lightsaber has a weightless blade and you don't need the extra leverage. Hell, you don't even need the energy blade if you have a big fat gun. Oh well. Why was he making his big? Why in the hell was he doing that? Hell, I don't know. I'll have to come up with an explanation. It's not the size of it that matters anyway. It's how you use it.  
  
"Master Jedi? Master Qui-Gon wishes me to inform you that we will be dropping out of hyperspace in ten minutes. Would you like to join us on the bridge?" The intercom sparked.  
  
Jet and Spike looked up from their toys. Then they looked at each other, and with a solemn nod, they put on their gear and headed to the bridge.  
  
____________________________  
  
"Captain?"  
  
"Yes sir?"  
  
"Tell them we wish to board at once." Qui-gon said.  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
The captain looked to her communications screen and said, "With all due respect to the trade federation, the Ambassadors for the supreme chancellor wish to board immediately."  
  
"Yes, yes, of coarse...ahhh. as you know, our blockade is perfectly legal, and we'd be happy to receive the Ambassadors..." The amphibious freak on the screen said in a nervous voice.  
  
Qui-gon didn't really care about this guy on the screen. In fact, he didn't care much for this mission. At the moment, he was feeling the effects of an all-night party they had held onboard the ship the previous night, when they had run out of hangover medicine. It kind of hurt, actually. The frog-bitch had a really, really loud voice, and it was pounding on Qui-gon's nerves.  
  
Jet and Spike entered the cockpit. Spike was dressed in his black Jedi robes, and Jet was dressed in an oddity: red Jedi robes. Not exactly a common thing, as you can tell. He had them made for him back of Coruscant, and they seemed to do it for the ladies, so he kept wearing them. Good call, as they were fairly badass looking. Not the ladies, badass looking, the cloak. You know what I mean? Right. Anyways.  
  
"Whats up Qui-Dawg?" Jet said.  
  
"Not much. We're going to be landing in the command ship in approximately three minutes, where we will be escorted to a waiting room to begin negotiations. Nothing special." Qui-gon said.  
  
"Right. Ok, so do we kill all of the people on the ship now, or in three minutes?"  
  
"I say maybe three minutes Jet. It looks more badass that way." Spike said.  
  
"Nuh uh. It's all about lasers man. That's what the people want!"  
  
"HELL NO, Smoke machines and lightsaber duels in the bowels of a floating city baby, yeah!!!"  
  
"Shit man, you have it all wrong. Explosions and great music, in OUTER SPACE!!!"  
  
"FUCK YOU! Do you have ANY idea as to how FUCKING cool it would be to BEAT THE HELL out of ANYONE in Cloud City?"  
  
"Well, ok, that would be cool, but still, you gots to admit, them space battles is BADASS."  
  
"Alright, sure. But it's all about hand to hand, right Obi-Wan?"  
  
Obi-wan had been sitting with a horrified look on his face for the entire discussion. It was true that these two Jedi were more than capable and skilled at their jobs, from what he had seen so far. It was also true that they were JEDI, and thus NOT evil sons of bitches who go around killing for fun. But here they were talking about it as if they were in some kind of. sci-fi movie. What the hell?  
  
"We will be landing in the docking bay in just a few moments sirs. Please return to the cabin," the pilot said.  
  
As one, the Jedi turned toward the door and walked out. All save Spike.  
  
"Do you know what will happen when we land?" He said.  
  
".uhh. no, what?"  
  
Spike sighed. There was nothing he could do now, her life was indeed forfeit. Oh well. Time for a last request.  
  
"Tell me, if there was any one thing you could do before you die, what would it be?"  
  
The pilot, whose name was Sharla, sat in contemplation for a moment. He seemed like he was asking a serious question. He wasn't joking or anything. And it seemed as if something horrible was going to happen to them after they landed. All she could focus on was the here and the now.  
  
She looked up at him from her command chair. "Well, there is one thing. We have really about fifteen or twenty minutes until we're done shutting the ship down and I lower the departure ramp.and well. I do have this one little request."  
  
"And whats that?" Spike said, hovering closer to her.  
  
".I want to hear you scream my name."  
  
____________________________  
  
Fifteen or Twenty minutes later.  
  
____________________________  
  
Spike walked down the departure ramp, his robe a little disheveled, and a big grin on his face. He really didn't think she would have said.anything. Nothing more than a little smile and a laugh, or even a "GET OUT PERVERT!" Like hell he was expecting a full course with a side of fries, if ya know whut ah mean. He wasn't expecting the whole nine yards and a couple of coconuts, if ya know whut ah mean. He wasn't expecting the deluxe package with the view, if ya know whut ah mean. Awww yeah..  
  
He joined the others, who were waiting at the bottom of the ramp. He and Jet exchanged knowing looks.  
  
"So, Spike. I wonder what YOU were doing. Eh? Eh? Eh?" Jet said, with a little elbow nudge.  
  
"Yeah Spike. What, were you doing?" Qui-Gon said, with a little wink- wink.  
  
Obi-wan was beside himself. WHAT THE HELL? These were supposed to be Jedi. not. PIMPS.  
  
"Oh. a little bit of this. a little bit of that. a little bit of everything, brutha." Spike said.  
  
"HEh heheheheheee. Good times eh?" Jet said, with a little nudge.  
  
"Hohohohoo. Great times down south, eh?" Qui-gon said with a little wink-wink.  
  
"Lemme tell you something fellas. Jet, you can help out if you like." Spike said, moving toward the open hallway.  
  
"Whats that, Spike?" Jet said.  
  
"Just jump in when you know the words:  
  
Once I was a boogie singer Playin in a rock an roll band!!! I never had no problems, Burning down the one-night stands! Then everything around me Got to start to feeling so LOOOW!!! And then I started quickly. yes ah did, To disco down and check out the shows."  
  
Around this time, Jet got the hint, and started singing along, in a great imitation of George Clinton:  
  
"YEAH THEY WERE DANCIN', AND SINGIN, AND MOVIN TO THE GROOVIN', AND JUST WHEN, IT HIT ME, SOMEBODY TURNED AROUND AND SHOUTED:  
  
PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY!!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC RIGHT!!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY!!! Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you DIE.  
  
They continued down the hallway, following a C-3PO droid to their awaiting conference room. Around the chorus, Qui-gon got the hint and started playing along on a ghetto-blaster, which he got out of nowhere.  
  
"At first it wasn't easy, Changing rock'n'roll minds, And things were getting shakey I thought I had to leave it behind. But now it's so much better, I'm frunkin out in every way!!! But I'll never lose that feelin Of how I learned my lesson that day.  
  
When they were DANCING, And SINGING, And MOVING TO THE GROOVIN, And Just when, It hit me, SOMEBODY TURNED AROUND, and SHOUTED  
  
PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY!!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC RIGHT!!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY!!! Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you DIE."  
  
They arrived in the conference room, still blasting the beats, when Obi-wan finally got the hint, and whipped out an electric guitar out of nowhere, and started twanging along, just like this: MEEBA, meeba meeba MEEEE!!!! WAAAWAAAA!!!! JIGGA jugga JIGGA jugga JIGGA JAHJAH!!! DWANG SCHWANG MEEBA WEEE!!! Meebleybee MEEEWAWAWAWAWAWAHHHH JAH!!! BWAOCHAWANG!!!  
  
Yeah. Hardcore.  
  
____________________________  
  
On the Bridge, a silly little scene unfolded.  
  
"What?!?! What did you say?"  
  
"The ambassadors are Jedi knights, I believe."  
  
"I knew it!!! They were sent to force a settlement!!!"  
  
"STAY CALM!!! I'm sure the senate does not know of the Supreme Chancellors descicion. Go in there and distract them until I can call Lord Sidious."  
  
"Are you crazy? I'm not going in there with two Jedi!!! Send the droid!!!"  
  
____________________________  
  
In the conference room:  
  
"So, Spike, how was she?"  
  
"Damn, Jet, why do you need to know?"  
  
"Because."  
  
"Damn. Why do you always come up with the good reasons. Alright, look, she wasn't that special when we saw the movie the first time, because, well, she looked like a man. But once she turned on the real lights in the cockpit and took her jumpsuit off, she was pretty nice. She must've been wearing a really tight suit, because I swear, they JUMPED out at me. craziness."  
  
"Whoa. so what did you say to her to get her going?"  
  
"That's the thing, I just asked her if she had anything she wanted to do before she died."  
  
"Holy shit. that worked? Huh. funny."  
  
"Serious. It's as if the gods of this universe want me to score on all of the womens."  
  
"Do you know what this means?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"That they must want me to score too."  
  
"With what? Anakin's mom?"  
  
".Fuck you."  
  
____________________________  
  
On the bridge:  
  
"This scheme of yours has failed, Lord Sidious. We dare not go against the Jedi!"  
  
"You seem more worried about the Jedi than you are about me, Dofine. Viceroy!" The hologram called.  
  
"Yes, my lord." The frog-bitch said in his bitch-voice.  
  
"I don't want that stunted slime in my sight again, do you understand Viceroy?" Darth Sidious said, in a surprising display of alliteration.  
  
"Yes, my lord." Frog bitch said, glaring at the other frog bitch, who promptly ran away.  
  
"This turns of events is unfortunate. We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy. Begin landing your troops."  
  
"Ah. my lord, is that legal?"  
  
"I will make it legal."  
  
"And what of the Jedi?"  
  
"Kill them."  
  
____________________________  
  
A gun turret popped out of the ceiling of the hangar, without warning, or alarms. This was something of a shock to the pilot of the ship, who was sitting calmly, drinking a cup of coffee. She looked up at it, and recalled something the Jedi had said to her before he left for his mission.  
  
"The Force binds us and flows with us, my dear. When we leave this plane of existence, our souls go into the force, and we are reborn. What would you like to be reborn as?"  
  
"A bird," she replied, "so that I can fly without needing a ship."  
  
"Tch. good call."  
  
Then there was nothing.  
  
____________________________  
  
"Hey guys, it's time to ROCK this place!!!" Spike yelled as he leaped onto the table, whipping out his arm-sabers.  
  
"Oh yeah!!!" Jet said, slinging his giant-saber into his hands.  
  
"Wait, what are you talking about?" Obi-wan said, slowly drawing his saber.  
  
"You do not sense the danger?" Qui-gon said. "Something on this ship just blew up something else on this ship. DUH, you stupid fucking moron!!!"  
  
"Sorry, sorry, I'm ready, lets go, yehaw. Right."  
  
"Hey guys, it's gonna be gas for the next few seconds, so we ought get out our handy dandy Jedi-issue rebreathers, eh?"  
  
"RIGHT!!!"  
  
____________________________  
  
::serious mode, ACTIVE!!!::  
  
Droids lined the hallway leading into the conference room, their metallic finish gleaming in the half-lit darkness. They swarmed forward, led with a precision that no organic creature could quite manage, each step led there by the exact calculations of the droid master-brain, the giant sphere in the middle of the ship. They lined up in the hallway, forming a gauntlet of blaster fire that no creature could escape from.  
  
After setting the aim of their weapons on the precise middle of the door, the droids signaled for the door to be opened, without wasted dialogue on the survival of the Jedi.  
  
Battle droids do not take survivors. They have no pity. They have no emotion. There is no mercy from them, only the cold sweet embrace of the snow, and the death beyond it.  
  
The door opened, and the droids swarmed forward, preparing to scour the room for any of the Jedi menace, the master-brain ordering them into commando mode.  
  
With suddenness startling to even the master-droid brain, the commando droids were wiped out by an unseen attacker. Reinforcements waiting in the hall crept forward, crouching low so as to provide the smallest possible target profile to the ambushers. Then the gas cleared out of the room.  
  
Standing in the middle of the room was Spike Spiegel, his robe cast aside to reveal the matte-black-and-gold armor that was to be the droid's undoing. His helmet was on, and shielded his face, save for the double glowing green slits that were his eyes and the open top for his hair. He lifted his arms from his sides, showing off two crushed droid skulls. Casting them aside, he saluted the droids now advancing upon him, and with an electronically enhanced laugh, activated him cloaking mechanism and turned on his lightsabers.  
  
The twin blades, gold and silver shone forth from the blurred light that was his body, like some angry god holding twin lighting bolts from his hands, prepared to smite those who would oppose him. Thinking this as he stood there, Spike could only smile. Lifting the blades into a cross-body salute, he let out an electronically enhanced bellow of rage and fury, and charged forward.  
  
The other three Jedi followed him, though not too closely, allowing him and his enhanced speed and strength to clear a path for them as he rampaged through the droids, cleaving their metal bodies, and dancing around blaster bolts in midair. No matter what was fired at him, he always had time to dodge around it, seldom needing to deflect the shots with his lightsabers, and only then in order to redirect the attack at other droids. It was like watching the opening fight from episode one, only at twice the speed, with three times as many droids, and with a blur of light leaping around seemingly everywhere at once.  
  
The other Jedi were left with only mopping-up action as Spike let loose a barrage of Force-attacks, ripping apart the droids with his mind while at the same time ripping them to pieces with his lightsabers. They knew that there was nothing that could stop him now, he had achieved a perfect meld between the classic bounty-hunter-Shaolin man he was with the cyborg-ninja-jedi he was now.  
  
Such a thing cannot be defeated by mere droids.  
  
And, as suddenly as it had begun, there were no more droids in the hall. Spike stood in the middle of it, not even breathing heavily, and deactivated his cloaking device. The armor was as pristine as when he first got it, not a single scratch in the paint was visible.  
  
"Ok. That was cool." He remarked, more to himself than to anyone else.  
  
"Hell yeah. damn Spike.." Jet was fairly speechless.  
  
".Spike."Qui-Gon said, "Beware the dark side. With power such as yours, and a rage and fury to match, you will be tempted to take the quick and easy path out of situations. Namely, killing everything in sight. Be aware that there are other ways out of conflicts than that path. But, anyway, there was no such path here, and you did a fine job of protecting the rest of us."  
  
".Hell yeah." Obi-wan said, awe apparent in his eyes.  
  
Spike turned to look at the rest of them, sensing through the force that he had grown as a person now. Whereas before he would have been thrilled by such a fight, now he felt no emotion. It needed to be done, so he did it. He pondered this a moment, before summoning his cloak to himself.  
  
"Thanks, guys. Now let's get to the bridge. I want to see the man responsible for this mess, and complain that his room service SUCKS."  
  
____________________________  
  
They arrived at the door without incident, the droid-brain apparently deciding to save its forces for a later assault. Smart huh? I mean really, you have what, four Jedi, one of whom happens to be the BADDEST mofo ever INVENTED, hmmm. maybe I don wanna fight these guys.  
  
"So Jet, what now?" Spike asked  
  
"Well, I guess we can use our lightsabers to blast in the door, hold everyone on the bridge hostage, and tell all of the ground troops to come back to the ship. But that wouldn't be any fun, eh?"  
  
"On the money, dawg."  
  
"Yea. So here's what we do, Qui-gon, you cut in the door, the two of us will cover you, ok?"  
  
"Right" Qui-gon said, already plunging his lightsaber into the door's center.  
  
"What about me?" Obi-wan said.  
  
"Oh right. you help Qui-gon with the door, ok?" Jet said.  
  
"Ok."  
  
Obi-wan and Qui-gon made short work of the door, and still no droids attacked. After standing back a moment to admire their handy work, they then used the force to push in the door, and the four dove through the doorway in a flash of light from their sabers. They then looked around to find.  
  
An empty bridge. With flashing red lights. And a countdown sequence in the top right-hand corner of the main computer screen. And a voice in the background saying:  
  
"Thank you for activating the self-destruct sequence. The ship will explode in 20 seconds. This is your last chance to press the cancellation button."  
  
Spike, Jet, Obi-wan and Qui-gon all experienced a brief moment of clarity, in which their lives flashed before their eyes. Self. Destruct. Damn.  
  
Jet's life flashed before him, as if he were seeing it through the snows of his dreams. The snow was falling on Ganymede, it was a cold winter out with Jupiter. His wife, she was speaking to him. Telling him not to be afraid.  
  
Qui-gon saw Yoda, telling him about the force when he was five years old, in the much-distant past. He could hear clearly, "The force flows around us, and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this. crude matter. You must feel the force FLOW. Between you, me, the computer, the wall, even between the ships in the sky." Qui-gon suddenly thought to himself 'hmm. is that a practiced speech?'  
  
Obi-wan's life flashed before him. He saw Qui-gon, he saw Yoda, he saw all of his friends in the Jedi temple, he saw the places he had been, and he saw the places he never was able to see.  
  
Spike's life flashed before his eyes. He saw women. many women. Women in countless numbers. Anime women, real women, women that he dreamt about. He saw breasts, large and small, he saw buttocks, oh so many, and he saw his escapades through the lands of fleshy, fleshy goodness. And then he thought to himself. "Hey. my life was cool."  
  
They shook themselves out of their reverie.  
  
"HOLY SHIT, CANCELLATION BUTTON!!!" They yelled as one, and sprinted for the control panel, literally leaping off the walls to get to it.  
  
"Here it is!" Jet cried, after a frantic moment of searching.  
  
He flipped open the panel concealing the controls for the self- destruct sequence, and discovered a nasty surprise.  
  
"OUT OF ORDER? Fuck. Even in the future nothing works."  
  
Then they paused for a moment, and in the attitude of all humans on the planet, they each tried to push the button, rapidly, one after another.  
  
"GODDAMNIT!!!"  
  
"Ten seconds to self destruct.9.8.7.6"  
  
"Well Jet."  
  
".5."  
  
"Yeah Spike?"  
  
".4."  
  
"I guess we're gonna die."  
  
".3."  
  
"Yep."  
  
".2."  
  
"I have last words!!! Here we go: ifindmyselfatthebrinkofthedarknessoftheangelofdeath, andiknowthatthedarknesswithbringthecomfortoflifewithoutpain, andionlyhaveoneregret.I NEVER HAD SEX WITH FAYE!!!"  
  
".1."  
  
"ME TOO!!! Here: Weareallplayersonthestageoflife, nowwemusttakeourfinalbowsandleavethestage."  
  
".0. Self destruct sequence activated, have a nice day!"  
  
".Thankyou."  
  
BOOM.  
  
____________________________  
  
Authors comments: HEEHEE. oh good fun, funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun.heehee. I wanna write more.  
  
Oh yeah, sorry about the long, long, long wait, my bad and all of that, sorry I couldn't write more sooner. I've been working on a re-write of the episode one script, a radical departure from the movie itself, with an emphasis on the beginning of a friendship, as opposed to the beginning of an epic. if that indeed was what the first movie was about.  
  
I mean, the REAL movies had themes. The first one was about the son following in the footsteps of the father, the second about the discovery that his father fell into darkness, and the third was about the son coming to the point of the father, then rejecting the father, and thus proving to his father that there was still hope for him, and redeeming the father from darkness.  
  
SO, we can then assume that it would indeed be proper for the first three to begin with friendship, that of Obi-wan, student of yoda, and Anakin, who is really twenty years old, and a successful fighter pilot in the Republic's Navy already. See the parallel with Luke? DO YA?!?!?!? Ok, so basic plot, Obi-wan, a general in the clone wars under the command of Bail Organa of Alderan, is losing a battle to a clone army over the skies of some planet somewhere. Anakin and his crack squad of fighter-pilots move in and save the day by knocking out an important factor in the enemies offense. They meet young general Obi-wan, he sees the force in Anakin, he tells Yoda bout that, Yoda say "hmmm. we need more Jedi, so, because he's kinda cool, you can keep him." Obi-wan and Anakin then go out, get drunk, get into trouble, find secret plot to overthrow the republic, and foil it. They get to be best friends, and so on.  
  
Good eh? I mean, boil down the plot of the real movies and it sounds like this:  
  
Leia Organa, senator of planet Alderan, is underattack by the empire over a planet somewhere, she sends plans to secret battle station to planet in last-ditch effort to save the rebellion, plans get into hands of Luke Skywalker, but because the plans were followed, his foster parents get killed. So, he joins up with old mystic Obi-wan kenobi, goes to a city, hires a pilot to get to Alderan, only to find that it got blown up, go onto secret battle station to find hot chick in hologram, save her, while Obi- wan settles an old score, he dies, they escape, but are followed. Then they get to a hidden base where they throw together a last ditch effort to blow up said battle station, they save the day at great cost, and cut to credits.  
  
So, what do you think? 


End file.
